Episode 35: The Weekly Struggle

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In this episode:

– I talk about my conflicts with letting go and forgiveness

– I speak about my built up anger I had that I didn’t know was still there

– I reflect on my resentment held me back from moving forward

– I talk about my struggles on moving the roadblocks in my path

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The Single Father Podcast is a collection of journal entries from one man’s struggle to adapt to single fatherhood and mental health. In this podcast, you’ll hear about his highs and lows, defeats and victories, and everything in between. You’ll hear about his fears, pain points, and how he overcame them. Relationships, Mental Health, Fatherhood…Let’s Vent Together. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thesinglefatherpodcast/support (https://anchor.fm/thesinglefatherpodcast/support)


Well, hello ladies and gentlemen, and otherwise, thank you so much for joining me on another episode. It is, um, three in the morning here in Las Vegas, so you’ll have to excuse me, I’m a little sleepy. And before you guys make assumptions, I actually was not, um, out drinking. I just, uh, had a very long, long day and, um, you know, I wish I had a copy of myself to get a lot of things done.

Um, but not a lot of activity has been going on lately in my life. Just been really spending a really relaxed, quiet week with my daughter is funny because I was with her, uh, today and I was doing some. Spring cleaning. And, uh, it just, I was re trying to rearrange my house and there’s a section in my house where she has like, basically her own play area.

And I was trying my best to reorganize in a way where I still feel like I have room and where she has more room to play and things like that. And she asked me to move a, a really large Barbie house with hers, um, like large, taller than she is, um, in a spot that like I just did not agree with. And I was like, No, I don’t really want it there.

She’s like, But I do. She’s like, Please, please, please. And I’m like, Look, I’m, you know, it’s my fucking house. I’m not gonna, it looks terrible there. And, um, just to. You know, appease her. I, I moved it to where she wanted and I’m like, Fuck. You know, it’s actually not bad there, . So, you know, she’s a little queen.

You know, my daughter, she really has, she really has queen energy. She knows she’s a little spoiled, you know, Um, I know she has, um, a sister now with her mom, but, you know, for four years she has that only child syndrome where I’m like, Okay, well you know that you’re a little queen. You have, you have me wrapped around your finger.

Good job. You know, might the thing that’s with my daughter too. She has the type of thing where like, she has a very commanding presence to her. Like she can command a room with how, um, you know, dominant. She gets like, she can really be. Like sometimes for instance, like sometimes she really scares me, which I, I think is like a common trope with fathers and their daughters, or I guess just having a daughter in general, but my daughter sometimes truly does scare me.

Like she can, she can, she can really yell at me, man. And it’s, it’s to the point where like the way she yells at me, it’s not even worth giving a response to. I kind of just walk away, you know, like, it’s not worth like the, you know, because. At the same time, even though she is kind of very commanding, she’s very, she’s very, very sensitive.

So like, you tell something to her that slightly offends her and it, it will, it’s like the biggest deal in the world. So like for instance, if I were to say something to her yelling at me, then I do, trust me, I do. But if I were to say something like, Layla, did you just, did you just yell at me? Is that how we talk to people?

Oh my God, I can always tell her nervous tells, you know, she kind of puts her hands together and, you know, um, where she, like, she rubs her arm and. She looks at me like, I just, like, I just told her her puppy died. You know, she, I don’t know, she can gimme like these puppy dog lips and eyes, and I just find myself sometimes just being like, All right, I’m, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

You want some ice cream, Which is, it’s, it’s really bad parenting on my end that way. But, uh, you know, I, I don’t do it often, but, you know, sometimes she’ll, sometimes she’ll get me in the right, in the right way where I’m like, Fuck, is it me? Am I just being too mean? Like, you, you question yourself. Even though that she’s totally wrong, she has me questioning myself like, fuck did, I’m sorry.

Did I yell at you too? You know what I mean? She’s, man, she can really get me, um, But anyways, Yeah, and not, not a lot going on in my week. Just a few things going on personally that I’ve been having to take care of. I’ve been spending a lot, um, of time and money, you know, putting back into this podcast and some other things in my life.

And, um, you know, I found myself being put in a position where you need to get your financial priorities straight. You know what I mean? Like, I, I found myself spending money on things that were, um, I guess, I guess in the way, just not the right thing to spend money on, or at least I, I don’t know. I don’t know if you guys can agree to this.

Sometimes it’s not about that was the wrong thing to buy. Sometimes it’s about like, this was the wrong thing to buy at this time. Because like for instance, me, you know, with my, with my salary and everything in my life, me buying a Lamborghini, that’s not just the wrong thing to buy at that time. That’s just a stupid, that’s just a, a bad idea.

That’s just a wrong thing to buy, period. Me buying, I don’t know. What’s an example? Um, fucking, uh, what’s, I don’t know, the iPhone 14. Which I actually just got recently, which is kind of again, a bad example, but let’s say I didn’t need it, right? Me buying the iPhone 14, okay. I spent, you know, $800 on this phone.

You know, I needed an upgrade, but I didn’t need it. Now you kind get what I mean. So it’s like I found myself spending money on things that weren’t a bad idea, but it was just the wrong moment to act on it, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? And I’m, I’m sure you guys have been in that situation where you’re like, Okay, I actually needed this, but I didn’t need.

Immediately, And that’s kind of part of my problem is I’m, I’m a little bit of a compulsive buyer. It doesn’t take long to, or it doesn’t take much to, can really convince me to buying something. If you have a good sales pitch and it’s already something that I want, all you gotta do is throw some, you know, lovely words at me in the right way.

And I’m like, Okay, well yeah, I want that. Okay, I’ll buy it. And then I immediately have buyer’s remorse. And there’s not so much that, like, again, it’s not like I can’t quote unquote afford it. It’s just I find myself long term not being able to spend money on the things that I actually do need because I spent money on the things that I don’t need right away.

So none more. Um, Um, relevant. Then I was just telling my friend about this a couple weeks ago actually. I, I was on TikTok and I, and I saw this, uh, this robot, uh, it’s like a, uh, how do I describe it? I don’t even know if you call it a toy, but it’s like a kids’ device. It’s like a robot kids’ device. You probably saw it.

I forgot what it’s called, but, um, but it’s, it’s like super advanced. It’s super smart. It says your child’s name actually really actually has a conversation with you, which is really cool. And I thought, Wow, what an amazing gift. Because truth be told, You know, at my house, it’s just me and my daughter. And a lot of the time I, I’d say half the conversations that me and my daughter have are arguing about the exact moment that she wants me to play with her.

She’s like, Can you play with me? You know, and playing with her is a real struggle. I, I don’t mind playing with her. I’ll play Barbies and toys with her all day. But it’s the way she plays that I don’t like, I’ll be like, she’ll be like, Okay, you be him and I’ll be this. And I’ll be like, Okay, I’m Ken, You’re Barbie.

And I’ll be like, Oh, hey Barbie. And she’ll be like, No, he wouldn’t say it like that. And I’ll be like, Okay, I’m going to the park. And she’ll be like, No, you don’t go to the park. That’s not the park. And I’ll be like, Okay, this is a hula hoop. She’s like, That’s not a hula hoop, that is a hat. And like, so she, she really is not like a cool person to play with.

Um, So, but you know, we, we have these debates all the time and I’m like, you know what? Fuck, I haven’t really been taking any of this school that much or to daycare that much recently. Um, for whatever reason, you know, she goes, but like, you know, it’s very, you know, it’s hit and miss sometimes and I’m like, you really just need a friend, right?

And, uh, you know, all my, none of my friends have kids. So it’s like, man, how do, how do I, But this, this robot, it really like, I don’t know how to describe it to you guys, where it sounds, um, like where it sounds feasible and, and it makes you kind of get what I mean, but at the robot you can like really have a conversation.

It’s like so cool for your kid. It’s like super advanced. But anyways, what I was getting to the punchline is the robot costs. I think about. I don’t know if it was 1300. No, it wasn’t. It definitely wasn’t over two grand. I think it was like $1,300. Um, and I almost bought it on spot. I’m like, Man, am I really gonna spend 1300 on a fucking like robot device that like, it’s, I mean, it’s, it’s quite possible.

There’s a very real, real possibility that I could spend 1300 on this toy. She’s infatuated with it for maybe the week that I have her. Right. She goes to her mom’s, comes back the next week after. Maybe she plays the, another couple of days, and it’s quite possible after a month maybe. Even after a month, it’s quite possible that she really just doesn’t give a fuck about it anymore after that.

And that’s what, that’s what kind goes as my biggest resuscitation. And I think you’ll find with most kids, and especially mine, it doesn’t, you can go big and you can buy all these fancy like things like, I just bought like this, hundred dollars, a hundred plus, you know, Leap Frog phone or whatever that she really wanted.

And, um, just hard, just hardly ever touches it. Um, but you can go big and it’s really the small things that she’ll want, Like the things like it’s, it’s, it blows my mind. The same day I bought that fucking leap, this a hundred dollars phone, this fake phone, this toy smartphone, quote unquote, that I got for her.

I also bought her like this little puppy key chain thing. She plays with the key chain little puppy more than she does this a hundred dollars. Fake fucking smartphone that I got her. It’s unbelievable. So, uh, there’s very real possibility that she won’t play, play with it. I mean, truth be told, I am still probably gonna get it.

Uh, I’m probably gonna get it for, for Christmas for her, but, um, I don’t know. It is kind of the problem that I have is I’m a spontaneous spender. I spend things on, I spend money on things that I don’t necessarily need immediately. Um, and I spend, I think, which sounds kind of, you know, whatever to say, but I think I spend way too much money on my daughter, on the non-essential things.

You know, food, the essentials. Of course, I spend a lot of money on her, but that doesn’t bother me. That’s all things that she needs. It’s the things that she doesn’t need that kind of bother me. Like this fucking phone, this, uh, you know, this robot that I’m thinking of buying her. Um, there’s a lot of shit.

And, um, I don’t know, I guess, you know, at first I think I was spending a lot because I was trying to, in a way, impress her, like win her over because I felt like I was in this like, um, quiet competition with her mother, for instance. Like, you know, we’re, we we’re not together and it’s kinda like, who has a better house?

You know what I mean? Which is unhealthy really on my end. But I feel like I was kind of in a competition with her mom. And really I just kind of felt like, all right, at this point I. I’m in kind of a competition with myself, you know what I mean? I don’t even see the woman. So, you know, the only re the only person that’s really affecting or bothering me is, is really me.

So I had to kind of tone it back and really reflect on what I was spending my money on and if it was reasonable or not. Um, while still trying to maintain a sense of non compulsion when it comes to my spending habits. Um, I, I could be, I think, I think going back in college, which I, I’m sure is everyone, but going back.

I think I’d be in a really, really wealthy position if I’d done certain things differently in college. But, you know, I’ll tell you what, uh, America really doesn’t set you up like that. The first thing, uh, that happened to me when I got to college is someone just like handed a a credit card down my throat and was like, Hey, take this credit card has a high limit.

I don’t know what the fuck credit is, but I’ll spend all of it and just fuck up by credit and just deal with that ramifications afterwards. And I think as like, I think, you know, high schoolers or maybe an early freshman going into college where, you know, not a lot of money is, um, You know, on hand, , you know, um, and there’s ramen all the time.

I think it’s so enticing just to take that credit card because no one really teaches you really this financial responsibilities probably on purpose, um, of taking a responsibility like that. But I was one of those kids who kind of was like, Yeah, I’m just, what the fuck is credit? Why should it bother me?

And the knowledge that I have now, man, I think I’d be really. I, I’m not gonna lie, I, this is totally truth. I think I’d be a really wealthy person if I would’ve just done a little bit of things differently. But I don’t really reflect on the past. How do I, Well, I do, but I don’t want to, you know, I don’t want to reflect on the past like that, but I look, you know, in certain situations like this where I’m like, man, I’m spreading myself a little thin here on the things that I’m buying.

Um, you just kind of be like, Man, I had a shit ton of money in college and I just spent it on stupid places. So, I don’t know. That was my little tangent about my little financial, um, knowledge. . I’ll tell you what though, what I really love about. Me and my daughter’s relationship is, I feel like we have such a strong, you know, one-on-one father-daughter bond with each other.

We really do. Um, you know, she told me the other day, um, she said, Daddy, I really don’t want you to ever have another kid. And I’m like, Why? She’s like, I just wanted to be you and me. And I really kind of melted my heart there. Um, probably because she was having a little bit of whatever frustration or, um, stress or confusion about, um, you know, uh, the differences between our households, you know, at her mom that she just had a new kid and she has another partner, you know.

And here at my house it’s very different. Layla has literally all my attention. Um, it’s just me and her. And I have no other daughter. I mean, I have a, I have a dog, which she said is kind of, which she mentioned that too. She’s like, I’m like, Well, what if Daddy has another kid? She’s like, Well, you already have one.

You have like a, you have a dog, and that’s kind of like a kid, right? And I was like, uh, actually you’re, you know, you’re kind of right. Um, she’s getting kind of smart. Um, and, and it was, it’s, it just kind of got me thinking about our bond that her and I have with each other. I remember early in my parenting, I felt like, man, like, does she even like me?

Like sometimes like, you know, we had a bad week, and I’m like, Does this girl even like me? I don’t know. Like, you know, Um, um, Layla. Layla has, Layla has a bad attitude sometimes , but, uh, um, I don’t know. You wonder if you’re doing. I mean, every, every parent has that inner dilemma or question that they post themselves.

Am I doing this right? And not to sound, you know, not humble here, but I, I feel like, I feel like I am a good dad. I feel like I am at least doing my best, and I feel like I’m doing the right things. You know what I mean? I, I feel like I’m doing, I feel like I’m doing okay. I feel like I’m a good parent. Um, Yeah, I mean we, Yeah.

Do I mess up sometimes and do I gonna raise my voice or, you know, snap at her sometimes, Of course. But we have, it’s kinda like the bond that we have to each other is just like so intense. It makes me really happy. It’s like it’s just me and that girl. We help each other, you know, We care for each other. I remember today, I really, I got, I got really nauseous because I just spent chugging coffee lately.

And I think it just made me dehydrated. And I, I just, I wasn’t drinking a lot of water, so I got really, I got kind of like, I, I got kind of weak and nauseous and I just laid down and I was like, uh, I’m sorry. I really don’t feel good. And she just got me water and she put a blanket over me and she’s like, It’s okay dad.

And it is just like, man, I’m like, We have a really great bond together, don’t we? You sweet, sweet little girl. Um, which is funny because sometimes, you know, um, Layla, Layla goes in between sleeping in my bed and sleeping in her bed and which, which is a PSA to any parent out there if you’re gonna, um, there comes a time where I think like after maybe one, make that commitment period to letting them sleep in their.

Period. No if hands or butts about it. Because if you give in, you’re just like, Ah, I love you. I love you. Come here and you let him sleep in your bed. It will be a consistent nightmare to transition out of that. And it still kinda is. But anyway, she goes half and half and it’s funny because at night she, I mean she loves me to death, but she doesn’t like to be touched and she doesn’t really like to be

Even just strip spoken to at night, she gets kind of like grumpy, tired. Which is kind of funny cause I imagine that’s kind of what my future girlfriend would be like. Um, I mean, it reminds me of a few girlfriends I’ve had in the past is kind of what I’m saying. But like she, um, um, I’ll be like, we’ll cuddle with each other and I’ll be like, Uh, come here Leila.

I love you so much. And I’ll just kiss her on the cheek and she’ll be like, Okay, but just get away from me and. What she’s trying to say is, I’m tired and I just wanna watch my show and be left alone. But I have a king size mattress. And there’d be a few times where she would just, she would purposely go on the furthest edge of the bed just because I tried to cuddle her.

She’d be like, Get away from me. And it’s funny because even those nights, I’ll turn over and go to sleep, and sometimes I’ll almost be falling off my king size mattress of how tightly close. She’s, she just, uh, I guess just hobbled over to me like, she just wants to be next to me. It’s so sweet. And there’s times that like, even I think, I think even just today actually, I was like, Layla, I love you.

It’s like, I don’t 11, 11 o’clock at night and kind of passed her bedtime. I was like, Layla, I love you. She’s like, Okay, but stop talking. I’d be like, I love you though. She’s like, Love you too. And. Uh, you know, she, she gets kind of rude at night and I, I don’t say much about it just cause I get it. I’m like, okay, you’re just tired.

But she’s so invested in her show. And anyways, I got caught off, like, kind of on a tangent there. But, uh, you know, her bond, me and that little girl’s bond is something that I just cherish to for the life of me. She’s just an amazing child and it’s brought me so much joy in my life. I really couldn’t imagine.

I was speaking to my nana about this not too long ago. I really couldn’t imagine my life with ours. I feel like she really saved my life in a lot of ways. It’s funny because you can kind of think moments in your life where you, you know, I, I don’t know. I don’t wanna offend anyone. I, I don’t know if you guys believe in God or not, but I do, even though I’m more of a spiritual person, I’m not like full on Christian where I, um, believe that everything’s in the Bible.

But I do believe in God. And you know, I believe there’s certain miracles of that’s happened in my life that could just not be, There’s no other explanation other than God and manifestation. Anyways, um, I in college just feeling really alone and sad and just kind of feeling like, man, I don’t think I’m ever gonna really have a family.

And I prayed to God all the time, you know, I know mean you haven’t spoken much or been on the best of terms, but I’m actively trying to change and turn my life around. All I’m asking is to gimme a chance at a family, someone who loves me, you know, just someone. Just a connection with a family. And if, and those of you who have listened to me know that, you know, I’ve had some, a lot of real complications with my family in the past.

I, you know, basically, I mean, at this point as it stands today, haven’t really spoke or seen my siblings in, I think 10 years, um, including my mother. Um, and, you know, I spoke about it in a previous episode, but you guys know the relationship with my dad and kind of how that transpired. But, um, yeah, I just, I found myself praying to him a lot.

And over the past, I think over the next couple months or so, during that time, I ended up meeting my child’s mother. We ended up having a a baby. And even though it didn’t work out how I wanted it to, I still feel like I have my family. You know, everything kind of worked out. I may not see my siblings any anymore or we speak to them, but I still have, uh, a brand new sister.

You know, I’m still a renewed, in a way, renewed Big brother. Um, Which in a way it like, like I said, it’s, it’s, it’s different because my sister, I think is, um, uh, five. It’s ironic because she has the same birthday as me. We’re both born on Valentine’s Day, which is, is pretty crazy. But, uh, it’s hard to say. I mean, people say, Are you guys close?

And I’m like, Well, it’s kind of hard to really say yes or no. It’s like, what do I have in common with a five year old? She’s more, she’s closer to my daughter than she is me. It’s kind of how I would answer that. But it’s not out of like anything wrong. It’s just like she’s, I think she’s five, you know, what do I have in common?

But, um, yeah, I mean, I relationship with my dad. My daughter, you know, And, and it is just so, I feel so blessed and, and, and thankful that I have her, you know, she’s like, she saved me. And what I mean by saved me is I just, I just felt so again, I felt so lost. I felt so alone. And, you know, even part of, and I spoke about it in my last episode, but even part of my journey now.

Into the kind of the self discovery of what’s next for me. And, and, and, um, you know, learning more about myself is kind of dealing with the fact that when she’s here, I feel like I’m in heaven. And when she goes to her mom, I feel kind of like a, I feel kind of lost in the wind. I’m like, like after I drop her off at her mom’s house, I kind of just feel like, Okay, now what?

You know what I mean? I’m like, Now what? Um, you know, I have my work, I have my job, I have my friends who I’m very blessed over because they’ve, we’ve really grown into, I feel like a family now with my, with my friends. We’re really, we’re really a Tightknit family. Um, but, um, you know, I, it, it’s kind of, I feel, I feel very, I feel very lost at times and.

You know, I, I think, I think I give my all into being a little busy and lazy during that time that she’s not here. And what I mean by that is when it comes to my work or things that I’m focused on, I can, I can put my whole energy into that. I mean, the first thing I do when my daughter leaves is I come back home.

I, I really just chill. So, Saturday through Saturday with my daughter, when I drop my daughter off, come back to my house, take a little nap, I’ll make some coffee, I’ll play video games, see what, see what’s popping for the night, but usually nothing. So I’ll kind of just, you know, chill out, watch a movie, blah, blah, blah.

Next day after that, straight up cleaning. Even though I, I make my daughter’s side note. Having a, having a kid is really cool because you can kind of make them do whatever you want. , I, I, I admit I will, I will make my daughter be a little bit of, you know, a little bit of a butler for me. I’ll be, you know, I’ll be like, Hey, go grab that for me.

Go do that. Go do that. It’s kind of cool, you know what I mean? It’s, it’s less than what I would do if I had a son. I think. And I know that sounds sexist, but you know, I, I, for whatever reason, I just can’t imagine myself being like, Hey, take, hey, go take out the trash. But, um, You know, I, I, what I’m trying to say is I’ll make her do a whole bunch of shit before she leaves, but I clean that up, clean that up, this shit I don’t want to do.

But, you know, on my Sundays, yeah, I’ll, I’ll spend the whole day either cleaning and doing laundry and kind of just making it kind of resetting, just making my house look a little organized because she, when my daughter comes, she can kind of make things a little bit of a tornado at my house. Um, and then the rest of the week is kind of like, Man, now what?

You know what I mean? I chilled, I cleaned, and now I don’t know what the fuck to do with the rest of my week. So I, and that’s kind of my dilemma now with being a parent and kind of my self discovery is I’m like, I need really, I fucking need a girlfriend. You know what I mean? Which goes, brings me back to the fucking.

Nature of the podcast is the single Father podcast. Um, it’s, it’s difficult for me, man. I’m like, Man, I need a fucking girlfriend and all my friends know this too, you know? And, you know, it’s, it’s kind of just a gag at this point. But, um, you know, it’s, I’m trying, It’s hard, it’s hard to date in Vegas, as I said, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s a little bit of a different, and plus it’s, it’s just boring.

And I speak about this at nauseam, but I just have to keep bringing it up over and over again. Not to really convince you guys of anything, but just to get the point of, you know, my efforts. It’s just, it’s just so boring. I don’t like swiping, I don’t like the talking stage. I mean, you know, it’s like you talk to someone, you get to know them, and then something happens where you don’t like each other anymore, blah, blah, blah.

And, um, I don’t know, and you just kind of do it all over again. It’s just boring and, um, I just don’t want to do it. And sometimes the time where they can do a date just doesn’t align with me. And then if you, if you miss, it literally just happened to me the other day. I missed a, I wouldn’t say I missed it, I just couldn’t do it.

I just couldn’t do the exact day that she wanted to do it. And she got really, but heard about it and. You know, it kind of dwindled off after that. And I’m like, Dude, it’s fuck. You know what I mean? It’s either, sometimes people want to meet right away, which I’m totally down for, but it’s like sometimes it’s inconvenient for me or people want to text for like three months before even meet in person, which I think is totally just a waste of time.

But I don’t know. So it’s, it’s, it’s just really boring for me to go and do the dating thing. And there is a little bit of, um, I’ll admit there is a little bit of apprehension just because as I spoke about the strong bond with me and my daughter, I guess there is, I guess there is some fear there. If I’m thinking on a psychologist point of view, there is some fear there of like, Um, I’d been doing this so long as a single father.

I imagine it would be really weird to kind of bring someone into that dynamic knowing that, okay, this is my partner, right? Really like this person. And hence just, you know, true to form just what my daughter said to me the other day. I didn’t really want you to have another kid. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

How do I bring that dynamic into me? And my daughter’s relationship that we have now. Um, because if, and I just kind of, and I hope I really painted the picture for you on something to, it’s, it’s really hard to imagine. Seriously. It’s like just me and my daughter hu day in, day out. Sometimes there’d be some weeks where we don’t even go anywhere.

This week we haven’t really gone anywhere at all. We haven’t gone to anyone’s house, my grandma’s house. Yeah. Maybe we’ve just been chilling around the house and going on walks and. Right. You know, it’s just me and her. And so it’s like, how do I bring someone else into that dynamic where now someone else, I don’t know.

It’s, it’s, I guess there is a little bit of apprehension there, but it’s like, No, I’m fucking ready for a girlfriend, you know? But, uh, you know, I don’t know. It’s, it’s hard to, it’s hard to really process about how all that would work. Um, but I’m fucking, I’m ready, man. I’m ready. I’m ready. Ready, Ready. Um, I’m just waiting to find my one.

But at, at this point, I’m just waiting for it to find me. I’m sure that God has a plan for me, and like I said in my previous episode, I’m very comfortable being single. Even though I am waiting to find my partner, I’m very comfortable with where I’m at. I think part of my self discovery is just kind of finding things in my life that not only keep me busy, but finding things that I love that gain my attention enough to where I don’t feel just lost, if that makes sense.

So I’m trying new things. I’m putting myself out there in new aspects. I’m searching for new ventures to, to, um, you know, um, well walk across I guess. Um, you know, I’m. I’m doing what I feel like I need to be doing, and I, and I’m happy with the results so far, and I, I’ll keep you guys updated on kind of my journey and within doing that, but, um, yeah, it’s, it’s an everyday working progress that.

Eventually will work itself out. And that’s kind of how I will describe my life. . Um, and, uh, yeah, I, I mean, I, I just, I just, again, it’s, it’s really nice to kind of just talk that through and, um, and, uh, I’ll tell you what, the biggest, the biggest struggle that I’m having right now parenting wise is feeding my daughter.

She is a very picky eater. Every day in the morning, all she asks for is, uh, muffins. You know, those kid muffins that you see at like Smith’s or Tar Target. She’s loves every day. She wants muffins or peanut butter and jelly, and. It’s really hard for me to kind of, you know, justify that in my head. I’m like, I can’t just keep fucking, so I’ll switch it up.

But she’s just, she’ll half eat shit. You know? I’ll be like, have some cheese or have some this, you know, How about some apple sauce or some yogurt and some carrots. Like, I’ll make different shit. She just like, she’s a half eater. Like if she doesn’t, if she’s not really into it, she just take a couple bites and I’m like, You haven’t really eaten today.

And it, it’s, it’s such a struggle. I’m sure. I’m sure. I haven’t really read into it to be honest with you. I’m, I’m sure it’s, it’s like, like that with every parent. I’m sure it is. I’m, I’m sure it is, but it’s, it really is frustrating on my end just because I’m like, Dude, what the f You know, you can’t just eat peanut butter and jelly muffins all day.

You have to be like, you know what I mean? It’s frustrating. There’s a, there’s a, there’s a website out there called Little Spoon. I wish they had a, an, an, uh, an app, by the way, it’s kind of fucked up that they don’t, I’d be way more interested if they in, you know, involved if they had an app. I don’t like going on websites for shit like this, but they have a website, whereas they, it’s kinda like freshly, you know, where they send you pre-made fresh food once a week or some shit like that, or Hello, fresh, whatever you wanna call it.

But for kids, so it’s like if you have a baby, they’ll send you a baby food every week, or they’ll send toddler food. I did it for a while. and the same result, she either cried that I was giving it to her even without even touching it, looking, you know, without even looking at it, automatically cried.

Wasn’t into it. I don’t want to, so, my God, or I just wanna, peanut a butter jelly, you know, pisses me off. I’m like, you know, and, and you kind of, you kind of argue I’m having a full on. Argumentative debate with a fucking, she was three at the time with a three year old. I’m, I’m, I’m really, I’m, I’m heated.

I’m having a full on argument with a, with a three year old. I’m like, You’re gonna fucking eat this shit. I didn’t say it like that, by the way, , But just to clarify. Anyway, I would never talk to my daughter like that, but I’m like, You’re gonna fucking eat this fucking shit. I spent fucking, however, a hundred more than a hundred dollars on this fucking weekly fucking shit.

You’re gonna fucking eat it. You know? And, you know, at the end of the day, she won. You know, I’m in her fucking peanut butter and jelly, you know? Um, I, I make her, My deal with her is you try it once. You don’t like it, throw it away. Boom deal. The problem is whether she, and I know my daughter, whether she likes it or not, she’ll try it.

She won’t give a fuck how it tastes. It could be delicious. I, she don’t give a fuck. She wants, she wants what she wants. She’ll spit it out and I don’t like it. Oh my God, I don’t like it. And then she’ll, you know, she’ll throw it away and I’ve already made that deal with her, so I can’t be like, try another bite.

You know? I want to, I want to wanna hold my deal. Um, so I, I think I’m thinking I want to go back to that, but I, I just, in my heart, I feel like I’ll have the same result, which pisses me off. But, um, I don’t know how to tackle that. But that, that, right now, that is , that’s the hardest part about being a parent at this very moment.

Um, and school sometimes she is, she generally, um, acts. You know, the devil lives at school or, and you know, I’m like, she, I murdered her whole family by just even suggesting the fact like, Hey, maybe you should go to daycare today. Um, so I don’t know. That’s also another thing I have to think about too. I don’t know when the exact, I could look it up right now, but whatever.

Um, it’s coming up soon where she has to go to, uh, whatever you call it. Is it kindergarten? It’s just real school, right? Not preschool. Is it kind? I think it is kindergarten. Um, and I think me and her mom are on the same page where we want her to go to private school. The schools in Vegas are kind of shitty.

Um, so I think I want her to go to private school. I think it’s gonna be a little bit of a, um, a pain in the ass, um, uh, going back and forth with her mom on the details and the logistics of how that’s gonna work and shit like that. But, um, you know, I’m, I’m really interested in my, in my daughter going to private school soon.

And, um, and, um, even, wow, even, even right now, it, I, I felt an overwhelming heartbreak in my heart about just even the fact that my daughter is getting old enough to go to school. Um, I don’t know. And when, when you’re a parent, you can understand, like you just, sometimes you just think too deeply into things.

I’m like, My daughter’s four, like, she’s gonna be in my house for a while. Sometimes you going this tangent, like, Oh my God, she’s gonna be a teenager, she’s gonna be 16, and just no time yelling at me. And then she’s gonna move out and college and. But anyways, um, yeah, so I, it’s coming up where she has to go to kindergarten, the details of that, I don’t know how it’s gonna work.

I, I don’t really talk to her mom, so I think the only time we’d have to really talk again is probably, um, around, and, and besides an emergency, I think the only time we’d have to talk again is kind of around school time and how that would work. Um, and I don’t know, to be honest. So, uh, we got a while to go.

I don’t know why. I just thought of that. Just, uh, I think that’s another thing that I’m, I’m not looking forward to, but, um, um, Yeah. You know, I, it just, I think the theme of this podcast is this episode is that my daughter is very, very, very, very expensive and, uh, and privileged . She’s very privileged and expensive.

Anyways, um, yeah, I, I had fun. This was a good episode. I got, I got to get some things off my chest. Again, not really anything going on, um, this week for me that’s big or, you know, worth dropping a bomb on you. There’s no really tea to spill this week. I’ve, I’m, I’ve had a pretty mellow and chill week besides a little knacks in the house, some things aren’t working or whatever.

Um, you know, adult shit, I’m, I’m pretty much good. Um, actually the only, the only big stress I had this week is um, I, I put my daughter in the bath. Right. Uh, and for whatever reason, I left my phone in there, I think for about an hour. I was looking for my phone literally everywhere. Like I cannot find the phone for my life anyways.

I hear my dad or my, my dad. I care. I hear my daughter calling me like, Hey, I’m ready to get out. I go in the bath find, find that she, I left my phone on the floor in the bath. Thank God she didn’t take it with her. But there’s water, there’s, you know, splashes of water all over it. I didn’t think anything of it really.

When you get water on your phone nowadays, I, I look, I think at least my mindset was like, ah, well who gives a shit? I’ve dropped my phone in water before. And, you know, Apple promotes, I know they say water resistant, but they pretty much promote that your, your phone is waterproof. I mean, say they don’t, I mean, they pretty much promote your, your phone is waterproof, right?

So, um, Anyways, so she splashed water on my phone and it’s, it’s, it was working for about 15 minutes and just shuts off, you know, And then just the, an endless Apple logo keeps popping up back and forth on it. So I’m like, Fuck, what do I do? I take my phone, I take my case off my phone, and a little water leaked out, and I’m like, Fuck was this?

I’m like, Still, It didn’t really, I wasn’t too concerned. Because I’m like, I’ve dropped my phone water. So I’m like, This is, this is temporary. So I, I was, I, when I say I was chill, I mean, I was fucking this chill as a fucking ice man. I was like, Okay, no problem. It’ll, it’ll start working again in a couple minutes.

15, 20 minutes go by, start getting a little worried. Still hasn’t started working again. I’m like, Okay. I’m, Let me, I’ve dried it off a little bit. Let me plug it into the computer. Um, I look it up on what to do. It says, you know, plug it in, click up, click update on iTunes or whatever. Um, so I click update not working, click restore, not working, power it on and off, not working.

Restart the iPhone, not, you know, force restart, not working. Um, at this point I’m kind of, I’m definitely con, I’m definitely concerned . So, um, I’m definitely fucking concerned. So I, um, I mean, I try everything. In fact, I look on YouTube, This guy says, Oh, I know the pre it is from water damage. I know the perfect thing to do.

Um, you know, download this app and it it, like, it gar, it’s guaranteed. Um, To, Sorry, I just thought about, I, you know, I’m like, I, I think I paid for this app and I, I still have my credit card information there. I don’t, I have to, I have to cancel the recurring payments. I, You guys ever done this? It’s kind of stupid, but you ever bought something off of like a website and you kind of forget that, you forget about it, but you don’t know the exact website it was and you don’t know how to cancel the payments.

It probably never happened to you. Probably just a me thing. But anyways, so I, uh, I, I, so I’m on, I’m on this fucking app on how to fix your phone and it’s like guaranteed to fix with water damage and it, I went through the whole process. It was a long process not to get it fixed through the whole process, firmware and some shit like that does not work.

And, and it says guaranteed to work. So I look, he says, if you’re, if it should, there’s a warning thing there. If this doesn’t work, your iPhone is definitely bricked and should take it to the Apple store. It’s like fucked. Basically saying you’re fucked. So, Um, I’m like, I have to go to the Apple store. This is great.

Luckily it was about, it was late at night, so I’m like, Okay, I’m not a fend. I can go without a phone for the night. My only concern is I don’t know how to get anywhere in Vegas without Apple maps. I’m bad of directions. If you ask me where I live, I can tell you, uh, I’m not gonna say where I live, but I can, I can tell you, um, a general area of where I live.

Like I can tell you like, I live by blah, blah, blah, but if you asked me my cross, I don’t, I don’t know if I’m, I don’t know if I’m a hundred percent certain of what my crossroads are. Um, My cross streets, but I, I just don’t know. I don’t know where I live. I don’t know how to get anywhere without maps. Now, things that are close by that, like I know for certain on how to get there.

Yeah, I can get there, but the Apple store I think is about 15, 20 minutes away from me. I do not know how to get there whatsoever. It’s, it’s kind of fucked up because it’s, it’s like a really large mall and I should know how to get there, but I, I do, I do not. Um, so I was, I was worried. Um, I called my dad off this work off.

I have a work number off my computer, so I’m call, I called them off my computer. And I told him what happened, and he is like, Well, it’s unbelievable how you don’t know how to get to the Apple store. He gives me like these slight directions on how to get there, but I’m like, really? I have no intention of going there whatsoever because there’s an at and t store basically up the street.

I’m just gonna go to ATT and they’ll figure it out, go to at and t and be like, and he like, first thing he says is like, Bro, I don’t know, man. You really take this to Seattle store. It just really could not help me whatsoever. So I’m like, Man, let’s could go one or two ways. My, my dad gave me directions on how to get there and he said, it’s pretty fucking clear.

However, again, I’m the worst person of directions. It was concerned. So I’m like, I have my daughter in the back seat. Best case scenario, I get there. Worst case scenario, I’m in Utah with my daughter and with no phone. I have no, you know, I don’t know. So I’m like, All right, best. I’m like, I’m just gonna put my best foot forward.

And try to get there. Luckily enough, it was pretty, pretty fucking clear on how to get there. Like it’s, there’s, there’s no way you can miss it. Like, before I even got off on the exit, you can see them mall. And I’m like, Okay. Took my phone to the Apple store, though. They said it’s about $500 to fix. I was pretty pissed.

Um, and I went to at and t again, the cheaper route would be to upgrade my phone, upgraded to iPhone 14. Um, but still I need to get my other phone fixed somehow. Um, and then I can trade it in, blah, blah, blah. But I don’t know. So that was the only really big stressor about my week. Uh, the point of the story is I’m, I’m bad of directions and, um, I need to get better at that.

I just need a girlfriend. I need someone. I need a partner. You know, that’s really the moral of the story is I need a partner who’s able to help me with these things, who’s able to give me directions. Um, all of this would be fixed if I just had someone in my life was to help me pay rent and to help me with directions.

Not necessarily someone to love. Doesn’t have to be someone to love. Doesn’t have to be, don’t have to love me. Just, you know, just be there for me, You know, be present. Help me pay, rent, help me with directions, and we’re good. We’ll have a great life together, I guarantee it. Um, maybe give me a son, give me another daughter.

That’s fine. You know, take it from there. Um, but, uh, yeah, . Anyways, guys, um, that’s pretty much my week. It was Okay. Um, um, I’m, I’m just really happy that, uh, I got to share all that with you cuz it, it truly was very cathartic. Um, I’m gonna move into the next segment. Uh, of the podcast where we call, um, Mail Bag, where I read a few email questions that you guys have sent, uh, into me that you want me to read on the show.

Um, just to let you guys know, if you want me to read one of your questions or if you have anything you want, just want to say, or you ever really just have you a question for me, I’ll read it on the podcast if it’s appropriate, and if it’s, um, pretty much relevant, I guess. Um, email me@hellompac.org and, uh, yeah, maybe you’ll get your question answered on the next podcast episode.

So, uh, starting with the first from anonymous, will you ever do video podcasts? Um, yes, I will. But, uh, it’s funny you say that actually. I, I’m, I, it’s, it’s not, well, well, let me say this first. It, it. It has not yet been feasible for me to really do video podcasts. I have a lot of the, I’m, well, I have some of the equipment that I would need.

Not good, not great. I have some of the equipment that I would need for the video podcasts. I’m testing some things out. Um, but it’s not, it’s not, it’s not there, you know, it’s not, it’s not something where I feel like would even happen this year, to be honest. Um, I may have discovered a solution for that, though I may have.

And in fact, right before I started this podcast, actually, I, I, I, I may have discovered a solution for me to do video podcasts coming up soon. Um, I’ll be looking at that option, but, um, Yes, I will do video podcasts eventually. It’s just something that I’m not, um, capable of doing right now. Lit, literally, just because, just the way my house is set up and certain things is, it is just not, it’s not, it’s just not there.

You know, I’m, I’m focused on quality, not just putting some random shit out. So, um, we’ll see what’s up. Like I said, I may have, I may have discovered a solution. Um, but again, we’ll see. Uh, I mean, the other, the other thing is, I mean, I, I, I feel like I’m pretty committed on doing my podcast at home. I’ve, as far as audio goes, I spent a, a shit ton of money on a lot of different things, um, to make the podcast sound good.

Um, so I’m pretty committed on doing the podcast at home. A few people have offered for me to do it in, in, in a studio, and it, it just, first of all, it’s a, it’s a cost that I can’t take on right now, and it would be an unnecessary cost, and I’m pretty comfortable doing my podcast at home. So, um, for now at least, so there’s that.

Um, when I move into a house, the, the, I already have a, a basic setup though. When I already have, when I move into a house, it, everything will be in place. I have. Things on deck that are just ready to be set up for a house. But like I said, anyways, I, I may have discovered a solution for that, but we’ll see.

Um, uh, um, um, sorry, next question. What is the hardest part about being a parent? I think I answered that earlier actually. Ironically. Um, it’s really, well, as of right now, the hardest part being apparent is, uh, feeding my daughter in a general sense. Um, I don’t know. I guess just making sure that you’re doing the right thing.

Um, not this intense, but I mean, I mean, I’m sure you guys have, uh, uh, heard about or looked at the, um, that Jeffrey Daher, um, it’s not a bi, it’s not a, it’s not a documentary, but the series that’s on a Netflix. I watched the whole thing and at the very end, I think the, I think the very last episode, they, they just made insinuations to kind of things in the, in his past that may have let, I mean, Um, and nothing’s that intense , but you, you wonder like, not will my daughter grow up to be a serial killer, but it’s like, you know, there’s so many things that you could do, um, without even knowing that you’re doing it that could affect your child’s future.

And I’ve never really thought of that in a scary point of view. And I mean, scary as in like, I, I’m scared that I’m not doing the right thing, you know what I mean? Um, I’ve been worried that, man, maybe I yell at you two, but I’ve, I’ve never been scared, like, you know, I don’t wanna be responsible for, you know, you growing up a certain way.

You know what I mean? So the scary part is like being responsible for, um, Her growing up in a way that would not be indicative to how I would wanna raise my daughter. Um, so to answer your question, the hardest part, it being a parent, I guess what I’m trying to say is just making sure that you’re, you’re doing the right thing, You know, I wanna make sure that I’m doing right by my daughter, making sure that I’m not scouring her in any way and I’m, I’m that she’s healthy, she feels loved, and I’m not worried about the love part.

Like I said, I’m not worried about, I, I, I mean, I, I give affirmations to my daughter all the time and she knows that I think she’s the, the, the apple of my eye. And, um, but I don’t know, you still worry every once in a while I’m like, Yeah, I wanna make sure I’m doing the right thing anyways. Uh, yeah. So I’d say in a general sense, just being of just, I guess just overall parenting normal fears, that’s kind of the hardest part.

Um, but as of right now, it’s making sure that, that, that girl eats literally anything other than a fucking peanut butter and jelly, you know, Um, . So there’s that. Uh, will you ever, The next question from anonymous, will you ever have any guests on your show? Uh, yes. Um, I mean, obviously in the previous episodes I’ve had guests in the show.

I have a few guests coming up. Um, one is, well, two are locked in. Another one I’m unsure about. And it’s really a matter of myself, to be honest with you. It’s just about timing. Um, you know, to be honest with you, it’s kind of hard to schedule. Yes. Um, not only does it, uh, cost. It’s, you know, just timing wise and communicating through email, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And, um, so yeah, I, I do have some guests that are coming on the show, um, one sooner than later, but, um, um, you know, it’s, you know, I, I want to have the podcast be, you know, pretty, pretty, pretty focused. So the part of the problem with having guests on the show is I’ve noticed that, you know, things can get a little off topic when I’m talking to guests.

And what I mean by that is, Um, I know it’s basically an interview, but I want it to stay on theme. So the har like, really the hardest part is differentiating. Look, I know it’s the single father podcast. You don’t have to be a parent to come on and speak to me about mental health and relationships, right?

So navigating those conversations and making sure that it’s on theme for both individuals, I think that’s, that’s kind of the hard part. So that’s why you haven’t seen a lot of guests on the show. Um, but there’s been some ones that I’ve been feeling confident about bringing on that I feel like, um, just could add to the show.

So, yeah. Um, there will be more coming up soon. Um, what’s the deal with your shop? From Anonymous. Uh, from anonymous, what’s the deal with your shop? I don’t know what you mean by that, but, but, but if you mean, what’s the, what’s the, what’s the deal? Um, there’s, we just allow, we just, um, release some, some merch, some podcast merch.

Um, you can look it up@shop.ventpack.org, um, or check out our Facebook and Instagram and you can view the shops and, um, order some really cool merch on there directly. We have a hat. This is single father. We have, uh, really, really cool injury. We have a whole, one of my favorites, actually, the whole as dad hat.

Um, that’s my favorite. Um, Uh, we, we have some really cool march on there, so go check it out. Um, as far as anything other than that, I don’t know you mean by what’s the deal with the, with the, with the shop? Um, any suggest, uh, from anonymous, any advice for, I’m sorry, let me read this again. Any advice for a co-parenting father?

Um, I assume your yourself is that father. Um, you know, it, it’s hard for me to give advice when I don’t have, um, um,

I mean, for me, it’s kinda like you’re asking someone who is not a good driver. Can you give me driving lessons? You know what I mean? Um, I feel like in the past, here’s the thing. Um, I, How do I answer this? Um, I feel like there’s things that, Man, I’m struggling answering this question to be honest with you because , um, listen, anonymous, it, it’s, it’s hard for me to give a straight answer to you, but what I, what I can tell you is there’s things in my co-parenting relationship that I thought would never happen that happened, and then there’s things that I thought that would guarantee would happen.

Never happened. Um, so I don’t have a set in stone expectation about one way or the other. I’m concerned about one thing and one thing only, and then that’s my child’s wellbeing and the love that I show to her. Anything else is irrelevant and I can take it. Um, but, uh, the main concern and priority for me has always been when it comes to co-parenting, is making sure that my daughter grows up as normal as possible and doesn’t feel like her being in a separate households.

Um, is affecting her negatively. Um, that’s probably the best way I can answer that. You know, and there’s things that I felt when she was first born, there’s, that I felt were set in stone that are now different from when she was two year, two and a half years old, that I felt that, I feel like that was set in stone.

There’s feel there, there’s things that I feel now that I feel like are set in stone that probably won’t be five years from now. So I guess my best advice is keep an open mind and focus on your child. Focus on the love and the care that you give your kid and everything else. Everything else is just kind of irrelevant, you know?

So that’s my best advice. Um, You know, I’m running a, I’m running a little long here, guys, so I’m gonna wrap this up. Uh, thank you so much for, uh, joining me on today’s episode and, and allowing me to vent with you. This has been, again, really cathartic, just opening myself up and, um, expressing kind of, uh, my online journal here to all of you guys, my listeners, my pack, my vent pack.

So, and, you know, thank you for allowing me to share this with you. Um, and, and, and speaking of sharing, please share, like, subscribe, uh, write a review. About this podcast, or at least give it five stars, you know, I mean, it only takes a second. Give it five stars. If you don’t wanna, if you don’t wanna write a review, just click that five star button, click subscribe.

That’s, you know, it’s really all that I’m asking for. Um, there’ll be, I, I’m introducing a new way to support the podcast in the future, but right now it really helps. If you just leave a review, click. That subscribe button doesn’t take much of your day. It takes probably, maybe like, what, 10 seconds to do? I mean, it’s not, you know, not that bad.

Um, you know, call it an early Christmas gift. But, um, it really does help the podcast. And if you wanna support me, if you like this episode, if you like other episodes, Please. Um, it, it really does make a difference and allows me to keep going and, and able to deliver quality and then able to afford, um, guests and things that I want to do, uh, moving forward.

And, and, um, you know, the ultimate goal is hopefully maybe this could, um, you know, wishful thinking, but hopefully maybe this could become my full-time gig. I don’t know. Um, that would be in a couple of years, of course, but, uh, you never know wishful thinking. Um, but thank you guys for supporting me. Um, again, check out our, um, our socials, TikTok, Instagram, um, Facebook, uh, the single Father podcast.

Check out our shop there. Um, you know, shop dot van pack.org, and you know, look at some of the merch if you want. Great. Um, if you wanna write into me and I have a question, it’s hello@ventpack.org and in the subject line, just type in mail bag if you want to be featured on the podcast. If you want to vent to me about something, and if it’s appropriate you have a relevant topic that you want to just get off your chest, whether it’s about relationships, mental health, or parenting, co-parenting, et cetera, um, you know, look, if it’s appropriate, guys, I’m, I’m open to it.

Shoot me an email me at hello@ventpack.org. Um, in the subject line, just try type a venting sessions and, uh, maybe you could be featured on the podcast. We’ll have a venting session together. And we can kind of discuss the details of that. Um, um, there is a support group that I created for you guys on, on Facebook called, um, uh, called the Single Father Group.

It’s a Facebook group. Join it, um, communicate, talk amongst yourselves. I want us to be a pack, you know, inventing to a pack of, uh, people who have your back, right? That’s why I call it vent pack. Um, so thank you guys. Thank you for being a part of my pack. Thank you, um, for allowing me to vent with you. I’m sure I’m missing some things, but like I said, running a little long here.

And to be honest, it’s uh, now 4:30 AM so I’m gonna head to bed. Um, love you guys. Thank you so much. And, um, until next time, let’s vent together again. Bye-bye.