Episode 39: My Family Thanksgiving

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In this episode:

In this latest episode we talk all about the joys and challenges of celebrating Thanksgiving with my family. Tune in to hear about my tensions relationship with my relatives, the precious moments I shared with my toddler daughter, and the new memories we made together.

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Transcript:

Well, hello and welcome to another episode of the single father podcast. I’m your host, Kendall Donica, AKA father DZ coming here to help make life a little bit more easy. We talked about the joys of challenges of raising kids on our own. And join us for inspiring stories, practical advice, and to healthy dose of humor. As we navigate the ups and downs of single fatherhood.

Together. Follow us for the latest episodes behind the scenes content and a community. Of fellow single dads. Like you. Let’s vent. Together. All right, guys. Well, thank you for allowing me to vent with you today. Um, Like I said, we’re trying to get back up and running, going back to weekly episodes, giving you amazing content, hopefully some amazing guests and hopefully some amazing stories I can share with you about my life and where it’s going, where it’s headed and where it’s been.

You know, when we’re talking about relationships on this podcast, sometimes it can get emotional. Sometimes I can speak about the love of my life, the hurt in my life, the challenges in my life. But most of all, I like to talk about the true family in my life. Most of all. When it comes to the relationship with my daughter, I love to talk about that specifically. It being a single father podcast. So I want to talk to you guys about my journey with this little girl.

But I also wanted to talk about a holiday that we just had. That’s also been a little bit challenging for me with my family, and that would be Thanksgiving. You know, when my parents got divorced. Celebrating holidays like this Christmas, Thanksgiving, et cetera. You know, it wasn’t really a big possibility.

I remember every year when I was younger, our family got together, whether it was with extended family or with our own. We always got together and made this big, fantastic meal. It’s like the meal you guys are imagining right now, maybe for some of you, it’s your favorite holiday? For me, Tom lane. But.

You know that meal, I’m talking about, I’m talking about the home cooked meals. The, the macaroni and cheese that Turkey. The freshly baked ham, the stuffing. All of the favorites that you have on Thanksgiving. I’m talking about that. I’m talking about That.

And by the way, I’m ethnic. I come from an ethnic background African-American so the food that comes my way on Thanksgiving. It’s amazing. No offense to anyone who’s not ethnic. I’m just saying it’s been my experience that, uh, some of you don’t season your food. But with my family, it was absolutely amazing.

Well, my parents got a divorce. It was almost kind of like a. An episode of game of Thrones.

It was like a choose of side type of thing. One side, went with house mother. The other side, when we went with house father.

Me and myself, I kind of lean towards house father. And for anyone who’s been following me for quite some time knows the reasons why. But then. Shortly after that, it was kind of house on my own.

And for many, many years, I didn’t celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving. And rainy other big holiday with any of my family, let alone, even really myself. And what I mean by myself is. I chose not to celebrate it even when I was alone, because I just had no one.

To celebrate it with besides myself, if that makes sense. So. Each and every holiday. Thanksgiving year after year. It wasn’t celebrated. Especially within our family. After my family got a divorce was a very fractious environment. And anything that anyone would try to do to fix it. When it came close to the holidays, intentions and feelings were rising. It could never be fixed.

Now a couple of years ago, four years ago to be exact, I had a daughter. And one of the best things about having my daughter is I felt I had the chance finally, within my grasp. To have a family once again. Get back to those old traditions. Get back to the things that I loved within my family. I thought.

I mean, I raised my daughter in the air, like move fossil from the lion king and I thought this was my. Ticket. My key. To getting my family back together. And if not that then making a family of my own.

But shortly after that, I fell into what seems to be like a hereditary. Type of curse within my family. And unfortunately.

Her mother and I ended up breaking up.

And that dream my ad. For a family. To get back to the way things were. They ended with the signature of a finger by a judge.

And with that. So did all of my ambitions to get back to the way things were.

Well, my daughter was one years old. On Thanksgiving.

Really wasn’t celebrated. I mean, Hey. There’s one, right. No reason to. Technically celebrate that. One of the things she’s eating is baby food. When she was too.

Yeah. I had some family around, but. It wasn’t Thanksgiving. It wasn’t celebrated.

When she was three.

I didn’t even have her for Thanksgiving. She was with her mother.

Now my daughter is four.

We all grown a little bit.

And as house mother. Was so much out of the picture.

How’s dad and house myself was still very much in the mix.

We bonded. He had a daughter. A new one. I have my daughter.

And this year. My grandmother. My Nana. She comes to me and says just like every year. I’m not going to celebrate it. But me, your uncle and his kids. We’re all going to the buffet for Thanksgiving.

We’re going to go to a buffet and. And just enjoy ourselves for Thanksgiving, right?

I said, that sounds great. Hey. We don’t really celebrate Thanksgiving in our family anymore. I’ll come with you.

But then I asked my dad what he was doing.

He said, um, Oh, I’ve got no plans.

I asked his mom, my grandmother, but she was doing. She said she has no plans. Those are the only family that lives in town. Right.

And then I saw an opportunity.

I could’ve gone to the buffet with my Nana and my uncle. And probably had a good time with my daughter since I had her for Thanksgiving this year.

Or.

I could do something different. Something. Unheard of within our family.

I could bring our family. Together.

So I decided to do just that. I called my Nana. I said, cancel your plans. You’re coming over my house. I called my uncle. I said, cancel your plans. I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year. I called my dad and I said,

You have somewhere to be. You’re coming over my house. I called my grandmother. I said, guess what you have somewhere to be. You’re coming over my house.

Went to think, went to Costco, got a whole bunch of stuff for Thanksgiving.

And then I Googled or Edward. Or should I say one on YouTube and learn how to cook a Turkey? On a warm Southern these things up. How to, how to serve a proper Thanksgiving dinner.

I cleaned my house immaculately.

This was important to me. This will be the first time. And God. I don’t know, maybe eight years.

And my family can be together.

All of us together.

In our own way. You know,

So I get all this stuff together.

And then comes Thanksgiving. I bought eggnog. About beer. I got, I bought wine about apple cider. I bought turkeys, macaroni, everything that I loved. From when I was younger, I bought it. I got it.

I wanted everything to be. How it was when I remembered it.

And then came the big day.

My family.

My family comes over.

I mean instantly just start laughing.

And enjoying ourselves and talking amongst ourselves, I had the Christmas day parade. But showing in my living room, I had everything together on the tables. I had little snacks, little board that I put out on my tables. Everyone gets snack on it while. Well, things are getting together. My Nana comes over, realized that I had one Turkey ready. And the other one that was far, and I mean far from actually being done.

I tell her I’m Nana. Oh my God. I just can’t be everyone’s counting on me. I didn’t. She’s like, don’t worry. Give me a pan. This is, this is a true. A black woman trick right here. I feel like no offense. And I really mean this. No offense, but I feel like only a block. Only a, an old school, black woman could think of this.

She says, don’t worry. Give me a pan. I’ll have it done in no prime. I give her a pan. She put some butter in the pan and she starts cutting the Turkey with a long night for. Uh, serving knife, right. She starts cutting the Turkey, put some insane. Cuts it into individual pieces. Put those pieces on the pan. She starts cooking the Turkey and real time.

And she says, it’ll be ready in 10 minutes. Get the rest of the stuff ready.

I said, oh my God. She saved me. I wouldn’t have known how to do to do that. I would’ve just put it back in the oven and say, sorry. Uh, we’re going to extend it another two hours, I guess. But no, she saved me. She saved my Thanksgiving.

And then.

Something amazing happened. There was absolutely no problems.

Everyone’s laughing. I have a VR headset. Everyone’s playing VR. We’re playing UNO. We’re drinking eggnog. We’re getting drunk. We’re having a great time. My daughter’s happy. My daughter stuffs her belly. She falls asleep. Everyone says how cute she is.

My cousins are over. I’m playing with them and learning new things about. Nintendo’s and things like that.

Everyone’s pleasant. Everyone’s happy. And we shared some really beautiful memories that day.

But no one was more happier than me.

Because for the first time, in many, many years, I got to celebrate. Thanksgiving. With my family.

And believe me. It was a fractious family.

I would have loved my siblings there. I would’ve loved my mother there.

Maybe in another world, I would have loved my daughter’s mother there.

How would I love to have a significant other there?

But I had my family with me.

And that was good enough for me.

And when I realized. Is, I don’t need.

I don’t need anyone specific. To make me feel like I have a family.

I just need a hand few. A handful of very few.

Give me that feeling.

And I realized at the end of the day,

My daughter. Is all the family that I need.

Because. I think when it really comes down to it. I didn’t get everyone together. Just. Because I think I did it from my daughter.

To give her the memories. I was missing.

To give her those moments. That I loved. And I cherished from when I was younger. To her, for her to think of the macaroni and cheese, the Turkey, the food.

I have no doubt that she would get that her mom’s house.

I wanted her to get it with me too. I wanted to share those moments with her. And for her to share them with me.

I wanted her to feel like she has. A family.

And it was a beautiful time.

Now I wish I could end it there.

However.

Much like any other family.

There are the things that.

You wish were different. The things that disappoint you, the things. The emotions that come up.

The irritate mints, the. The bad part about your family? I should say.

This one is a little difficult for me.

For many years, my uncle. As always been the type of person that can really.

Well, you can really grind your gears. He’s a very macho. Man’s man. But he doesn’t show that subtly. He very much shows it with great extravagance. And on a grand scale. You wants to let you know of his mantra. Because of his manlihood. Of is don’t fuck with me behavior. It’s not thuggish, but it’s very in your face.

He’s the type of man that. You would think potentially is a little bit of a narcissistic. He’s very self absorbed in. And. At times arrogant.

And I don’t mean to speak any badly about my family, but. I want to give you guys the context to his personality.

I love him very much. But throughout my life, I can only speak the truth and the truth is. That I’ve always been somewhat intimidated by him because of this.

Because that type of personality that very in your face persona. It illuminates. Right. You can think he is a larger than life character, but when people say larger than life,

I don’t know if they always mean it in a good, good way. I think that can also mean in a bad way as well. And I’m not saying his persona was necessarily good or bad. But I will say that his persona was very much intimidating.

It made you uneasy. It made you very tentious. I gave off a very tentious nature about being around him or with him.

It was always known within my family that he’s a bit of a hothead and. And to be quite honest, there’s always been known. There has been in mental health issue in our family.

Now who has it or. You can speculate all day long. But. It’s a known fact.

With my uncle for many years, there’s been. A very tenuous relationship with him. And I do know his persona and also due to some things that. My mom has said about him in the past, too. Nothing. Crazy the way you think, but. You know, I remember when I was younger. And I don’t remember the context, but him and my mom had a very big fight.

And I remember her telling me. That she was quite afraid of him.

You know, He was quite. She was quite fearful of him.

And I remember being young. And that’s one of these key moments in your life that you just remember because it kind of haunted you.

It was nothing. Sexual or any of that nature of abuse that she was referring to, but it was mostly just. Fear.

Intimidation.

I remember I was laying in bed with my mother, mother when I was young watching TV.

And then we heard a knock at the door.

She looked who it was and didn’t answer.

And then we heard the door open.

He walks in the door.

Goes, halfway up the stairs. And him and my mom have this verbal argument. I remember. She specifically told him. Do not come any closer.

I remember my uncle’s face thinking. I mean, I can see it clearly. And his face. Thinking that she was being ridiculous.

I remember how baffled he was with my mother’s behavior. Or reaction to his presence.

But to be quite honest, I was so young. I don’t really remember the context of what was being presented to me.

I remember after that there were many years. I didn’t speak to my uncle. Mostly because of my mom’s. Um, wishes, I guess you could say. Or influence on me.

I was very protective of my mother back in the day. And I knew that whatever that was.

I felt that he was wrong.

Now, again, anyone who’s followed this podcast for awhile, you know that now I have a very tenuous relationship with my mother.

I see her very differently.

And when I think about that day, I think about. How my mother reacted. And I think about my uncle’s face. And how he thought that she was being ridiculous.

They often say truth and madness lie in the same stream. I don’t know what was said that day. I don’t know what was done. Until this day, I don’t know who was wrong.

To be fair. I’m not sure if it was, I don’t know if it was that much of a big issue. Before I do known that for many years. I didn’t speak to my uncle after that.

After a while him and I reconnected.

I think when I was a teenager. This is when we started to reconnect more.

You started opening up to me about. Um, a lot of things.

And it was really when my parents got divorced, that he really became very involved in telling me all the things that I needed to know.

Some things about my mother. Some things about my father. Some things about my biological father. And some things about maybe the way she acted when she was younger.

None of them want to go into it all as of right now. I mentioned it on previous episodes, but. There were a lot of things that my mother has done. And if people have told me. That makes me. Needless to say very disappointed.

And. Throughout that process.

I reconnected with my uncle when about many things. Introduce me to my love of comics. I love of superheroes. My love of collectibles. And fantasy movies and. Animated cartoons.

One of his favorites were. Batman the animated series and I loved it. He gave me a whole bunch of CDs to watch with him.

And it felt so awesome. Just. Connecting with someone on a nerdy level. They always say, girl, doesn’t go, go for a nerd. And I had really. Not only that, but I had no friends around me to nerd out with.

Introduced me to one of my favorite shows of all time, Smallville it’s about how Superman was raised before he became Superman. My favorite show. I really bonded with him.

But the other thing is. Every time I was around him. See, I bonded with him in person. And I mean, I bonded with him over the phone. But in person.

It’s like.

Riding a bike almost. In person. It was like, he brought me right back to that tension.

He brought me right back to feeling uncomfortable. Do you feeling uneasy? Every time he’d give me a hug. He smacked my back. You know how you give a hugs? When you smell you pat someone’s back, you would smack it with the force of Zeus.

Every time I spoke to him, he would make me come out in the backyard with him and he, while he had a cigarette and I hated the smell of smoke.

Get a very commanding.

Presence in his house. And yeah, he’s the man of his house. Right. But it was. I could tell it made everyone feel uneasy.

I hated it.

Now my Nana. Again, For anyone who’s. Listen to me for a very long time, know that my Nana is like my mother.

She’s my she’s my mom’s mom, my uncles, mom. But she really took me in after my parents got divorced. She adopted me, got me through high school, put me up in college, like. She’s my mother, you know, she’s protected me, guided me. And it’s kind of true what they say that.

Woman. She took me in high school. I was very angry, angry child, and I was such an asshole. I was angry at the world, angry at my parents, angry at everything. I had so much regret how I treated her during that time. Every teenager does. But. I regretted it.

I love her so very much, but I’m very protective of her. She’s my Nana is a very sensitive person. She comes from a very. She’s an impressive woman, but she comes from a very, um, deeply black rooted. Cultural background. That’s. Um, consistent with racism and discrimination. In. Um, a degrading aspect towards women.

You know, she. Puts herself in a high standard when it comes to being a woman and being a woman of color. But she’s also very defiant, but she’s also very, uh, defensive and. Sensitive. You know,

Um,

But I’m very protective of her. Because I always said if there’s one person in this world that I know for certain loves me. To be honest, as of right now, even more than my daughter. I know that. Even more than my own little girl that she loves me more than anyone on this earth.

I’m not even, and hear me on that. I’m not even sure if my daughter loves me as much as my Nana loves me. I know that the woman loves me. She would do anything for me. You ever have a family like that? Where you know that no matter what you do, no matter what you’ve done, there is nothing you could ever do.

That would ever come between your guys’s love.

She loves me.

Just like how I love my daughter. And I know that because the love she feels from me. I feel from my little girl.

I say that. Because. Once, and for all, I have to explain this woman. Is my mom.

And for many years, I would see my uncle come up. And treat my Nana.

With. Someone of. Uh, misguided disrespect.

And I hated it.

I hated it because it was, it was very.

It’s a type of disrespect that you don’t even know that you’re doing it. But yeah, everyone sees it.

I would see him come up and visit, visit my Nana’s house. My Nana has. You know, a one bedroom. Um, No senior apartment.

And she has a pull-out. She’s a pull-out, uh, uh, couch. Pull up mattress couch.

So every once in awhile, I’d see the whole family sleep on the, on the pullout couch.

And I’d see my Nana sleeping in her bed. But more often. I would see a pillow and a blanket spread out in her closet.

And I’d say, Nana, what? What is this? And she’s like, I sleep in the closet when they’re here. And my Nana would brush it off a side, like, oh no, no, no, no. I don’t even, it doesn’t bother me, but it holds what the fuck it bothered me. Uh, but, but. I thought she was joking. There’s no way my Nana actually sleeps in the closet.

But then.

I started noticing it more and more. Year after year. Year after year. Multiple times a year, this one would sleep in the closet. And the older manana got a more started to bother me. Mike she’s a 66 year old woman. She’s a 70 year old woman. And this year. I’m like she’s a 72 year old woman. Sleeping in a fucking closet.

I remember a couple of months ago, I started to talk. With my uncle about the way he is treating my Nana and this and that. Not giving her this bubble ball of that.

And I remember he got so defensive at me. And we didn’t talk for maybe like two months.

But this time, this year where I wanted everything to be perfect. And my Nana’s saying how sad she is about, you know, The state of our family and things like that. This year. I think. It just boiled up and boiled up and boiled up. Where I couldn’t take it anymore.

I started with Thanksgiving.

I asked him to be at my house by one o’clock. I called him beforehand because Hey, black people are always late. Okay. I get it. But I called him beforehand and I said, look, man, I really need you to be here by one, in any Montana to help me with this Turkey. Is that. Okay. No problem. He didn’t come from maybe like 1 45.

My Nana tells me he was just laying down on the couch and took a shower, took a long, long shower.

And that’s the kind of thing that I’m talking about. The personality trait, everything revolves around him.

It comes over my house. Like I said, everything was perfect. I let it go.

The next day, my Nana calls me. Uh, practically crying about. Him. Putting her down in front of the kids. Things like that.

Asking her for some money after he gambled and.

And, um, Her sleeping in the closet.

And I think. I just had it at that moment, you know? I think I just said, look, this is, this is it. And what have you ever been so afraid to talk to somebody even as a grown man I’m 27 years old, but even I kinda. I don’t tell my dad everything. Right. And what I mean by that is I don’t tell him everything I feel. I mean, we don’t have that type of emotion thing. Right.

And so I was, there’s so much tension between me and my uncle sometimes.

But I called him.

And I say, hang on, call Matt.

Like you can’t be having Nana sleep in a closet. Next time.

Come stay with me. No problem. LOL. I texted him at first. Then he calls me. And heart races. Because I already knew.

So I took a deep breath and I said, you know what? I’m 27 years old. I’m a man.

So I answered the phone. She says, Hey man. I was up at that text. Let me say, Hey man, well, you know, Nana has been telling me that. She’s been sleeping in a closet. Next time, stay with me. He says. Yeah. So you’re telling me. What like are you trying to come at me in some way? It’s a no. I’m looking out for your mother.

My mother. I don’t appreciate that she sleeps in the closet. I said, oh, really?

So what you. You you criticizing me or you, you trying to teach me a lesson here or what. I said, look, man.

Relax. All I said. What’s the next time. Stay with me. I got a two bedroom, big ass condo here. He’s like. Oh, you didn’t offer us to stay with you. Did you? And I said, no. But I, I, I just didn’t think you’d. Let Nana sleep in a closet. He’s like, did you even know that? I didn’t know. Let’s just sleep in the closet.

And I said, look, man, I.

I don’t see how you didn’t know she’s been doing it for years. Every time you come. And he said, well, where else are we going to sleep? 10. Listen, I don’t know.

But I just didn’t expect a 72 year old woman. Your mother. To be sleeping. In a closet. On the floor.

Silence.

He said, all right, man. So we’ll just want to say.

And I said, please don’t ever have my Nana sleep on the closet again. You said, let me repeat what you just said. You said don’t you ever let my Nana sleep on a closet again? And I said, no, no, no, no, no, buddy.

You’re just. You’re emphasizing it. I say, please. Don’t have her sleep on the closet again.

And he said. You know what. And I said, look before. Listen. Before you say whatever you’re about to say.

I’ve heard it so many times before in so many different ways, in so many different fashions from this family. And it’s fine.

I’m just looking out for your mother. My Nana. And if you don’t appreciate that, then say what you got to say.

But.

I stand by what I said.

He says, guess what? You don’t have an uncle. Things up the phone.

And, you know, what.

It really didn’t bother me. I mean. In some. Way bothers me, I guess, because I have to be bothered by it because it’s my family, but.

I’m going to say something to you guys that.

I don’t think I really would say to a lot of people just.

I guess what I’m trying to say is. I don’t really have a value.

For family. Like you guys might.

And it sounds weird, but maybe in some way you can kind of interpret what I’m saying.

I don’t really value. Family and the way you might think. My family. My family.

My family has always been fractured. My family has always been broken.

My family.

Has always been conditional. Love. Not unconditional.

My family has always been defensive. Critical. Hurtful. Painful.

And I, at a certain point, I think you say. My family.

I don’t want any more of my family.

I want my own family.

A family of my making. A family of my choosing.

An unconditional. Love.

My family.

That’s what I want.

So at the end of the day, After he hung up. Yeah, I didn’t. I didn’t really care.

And it was because my family.

I don’t know if I ever really cared that much about.

My family.

Because they haven’t been.

My family. In quite some time.

And that may sound. However it sounds.

But I’m going to be honest. That’s the truth.

And I may reword that differently down the line. I may. Change the verbiage of that down the line. But.

When it comes down to it through and through at the heart of it. That is my truth.

My Nana.

She’s amazing. She.

Holds a lot of. Things together.

In our family.

She brings people together. She helps people. She’s kind, she’s loving.

She values. Family.

And she would be disappointed to hear me say that, but.

But it’s.

Not really my family.

I feel like I’m trapped in my family.

Itching to get out. Influenced by the behaviors of my dad. Who was. Horrible. To my mom.

Influenced by my mom. Who was. Manipulative and deceiving.

Influenced by my uncle.

It was.

Bold arrogant. Intentious.

Influenced by my Nana who’s strong.

But easily hurt.

I just want to get away.

Now I will tell you.

And my family. My daughter. My Nana.

My dad and my grandma.

I love them all.

But when I think about my family,

I think about the one I have yet to build.

So, yeah.

That’s my family.

The fractured. Unorganized.

Hurtful.

Conditional loved family.

But it is my family.

I just hope I build a new one, one day.

I look.

In truth. I did a lot of venting with you guys today. I don’t know if that’s how I really feel. More if that’s how I feel now.

I don’t know if those were my true words or just the words I’ve. Chosen to choose.

I don’t know if that’s the way my heart feels or just the way my heartbeats.

But I can only say what the truth feels right now.

And that’s my truth.

And that’s my family.

So.

Would that being said.

I hope all of you out there. It had an amazing Thanksgiving. And I hope that whatever family you have. Whatever thing you’re going through or whatever. Family member is challenging your thoughts or.

Breaking your heart.

I hope that. You get to build the family that you want to build.

Keep the family that you want to keep. And distance yourself from the family that needs a distancing.

I hope that love finds you.

I hope that peace surrounds you.

And I hope that comfort consumes you.

I hope that you’re happy.

And to all the people. Or allowing me to vent with you today.

I hope. That we can vent together again soon.

All right guys. That’s the episode. I didn’t have time to get to the questions part of the episode today, but we will do that next week or I will answer. All of your questions that you might have for me. Listen, if you guys want a guaranteed question, by the way, there’s a section of our podcast called mailbag mailbag. We do at the end of every podcast episode, and I’ll answer some of the questions I get brought into us.

And you can do that by emailing me at hello. At vent pack. Dot org and in the subject line type of mailbag and just type the question that you want to be read on the show. If you want. Uh, guaranteed. Answer to your question. If you want a question guaranteed, to be read on the show. Then join our Patrion. It’s the price of a cup of coffee, just about five bucks a month. It’s a patrion.com/a single father podcast. Make sure you join the Patrion and you’ll have your question guaranteed to be answered as long as it’s, you know, somewhat appropriate.

Um, I will guarantee I’ll answer that in the show and I’ll do a little shout out for you at the end of the show as well. Um, or if you just want to take your chance and ask some casual questions, you can just email me with the mail bag. Uh, if you want an opportunity to vent with me on the show, if you want to be a guest and have a little venting session together, if you have a family member that you want to talk about with me on the show, well, guess what you can do that you can join our Patrion patrion.com/a single father podcast, and join with the tears where you be able to vent with me on the show.

And I look forward to venting with you very, very soon. Make sure to follow us on social media, which is just pretty much everywhere. The single father podcast, Instagram. Uh, Facebook, YouTube. Um, Eventually, um, you know, I’m not sure the timeframe on it, but eventually I’ll be doing video podcasts where I’ll be uploading those to YouTube, just to make sure you stay tuned for behind the scenes content, et cetera.

And guys just thank you for supporting me. Um, most of all, be sure to like subscribe, share, leave a review. Really helps. Allows us to. You know, Um, bring more content on the show, gain more notoriety, get more guests. Um, create better episodes for you. Um, if you just want to support the podcast again and go to our Patrion, just to be a supporter.

Um, if any of this resonated with you. Let me know Dami, follow us on socials. Follow us on the podcast. I look forward to venting with you guys very, very soon. So with that being said, I don’t think I’m missing anything. You guys have a great holiday. And, um, May, I guess I’ll be giving you the details after Christmas. We’ll see how that goes until next time.

I’m Kendall Donica, father DZ. Bye-bye.

Introducing: Mailbag

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New Episode Alert!

Podcast Is BACK from vacation, and is returning with new weekly episodes starting this saturday. 11/17/19. Make sure you tune in, kicking things off with a special guest! Tiktok Star: Honey Maxwell.

Episode 35: The Weekly Struggle

Available Everywhere You Enjoy Podcasts!

Summary:

Don’t Forget to like, subscribe, share, & leave a review. Follow us on Facebook & Instagram

In this episode:

– I talk about my conflicts with letting go and forgiveness

– I speak about my built up anger I had that I didn’t know was still there

– I reflect on my resentment held me back from moving forward

– I talk about my struggles on moving the roadblocks in my path

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The Single Father Podcast is a collection of journal entries from one man’s struggle to adapt to single fatherhood and mental health. In this podcast, you’ll hear about his highs and lows, defeats and victories, and everything in between. You’ll hear about his fears, pain points, and how he overcame them. Relationships, Mental Health, Fatherhood…Let’s Vent Together. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thesinglefatherpodcast/support (https://anchor.fm/thesinglefatherpodcast/support)

Transcript:

Well, hello ladies and gentlemen, and otherwise, thank you so much for joining me on another episode. It is, um, three in the morning here in Las Vegas, so you’ll have to excuse me, I’m a little sleepy. And before you guys make assumptions, I actually was not, um, out drinking. I just, uh, had a very long, long day and, um, you know, I wish I had a copy of myself to get a lot of things done.

Um, but not a lot of activity has been going on lately in my life. Just been really spending a really relaxed, quiet week with my daughter is funny because I was with her, uh, today and I was doing some. Spring cleaning. And, uh, it just, I was re trying to rearrange my house and there’s a section in my house where she has like, basically her own play area.

And I was trying my best to reorganize in a way where I still feel like I have room and where she has more room to play and things like that. And she asked me to move a, a really large Barbie house with hers, um, like large, taller than she is, um, in a spot that like I just did not agree with. And I was like, No, I don’t really want it there.

She’s like, But I do. She’s like, Please, please, please. And I’m like, Look, I’m, you know, it’s my fucking house. I’m not gonna, it looks terrible there. And, um, just to. You know, appease her. I, I moved it to where she wanted and I’m like, Fuck. You know, it’s actually not bad there, . So, you know, she’s a little queen.

You know, my daughter, she really has, she really has queen energy. She knows she’s a little spoiled, you know, Um, I know she has, um, a sister now with her mom, but, you know, for four years she has that only child syndrome where I’m like, Okay, well you know that you’re a little queen. You have, you have me wrapped around your finger.

Good job. You know, might the thing that’s with my daughter too. She has the type of thing where like, she has a very commanding presence to her. Like she can command a room with how, um, you know, dominant. She gets like, she can really be. Like sometimes for instance, like sometimes she really scares me, which I, I think is like a common trope with fathers and their daughters, or I guess just having a daughter in general, but my daughter sometimes truly does scare me.

Like she can, she can, she can really yell at me, man. And it’s, it’s to the point where like the way she yells at me, it’s not even worth giving a response to. I kind of just walk away, you know, like, it’s not worth like the, you know, because. At the same time, even though she is kind of very commanding, she’s very, she’s very, very sensitive.

So like, you tell something to her that slightly offends her and it, it will, it’s like the biggest deal in the world. So like for instance, if I were to say something to her yelling at me, then I do, trust me, I do. But if I were to say something like, Layla, did you just, did you just yell at me? Is that how we talk to people?

Oh my God, I can always tell her nervous tells, you know, she kind of puts her hands together and, you know, um, where she, like, she rubs her arm and. She looks at me like, I just, like, I just told her her puppy died. You know, she, I don’t know, she can gimme like these puppy dog lips and eyes, and I just find myself sometimes just being like, All right, I’m, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

You want some ice cream, Which is, it’s, it’s really bad parenting on my end that way. But, uh, you know, I, I don’t do it often, but, you know, sometimes she’ll, sometimes she’ll get me in the right, in the right way where I’m like, Fuck, is it me? Am I just being too mean? Like, you, you question yourself. Even though that she’s totally wrong, she has me questioning myself like, fuck did, I’m sorry.

Did I yell at you too? You know what I mean? She’s, man, she can really get me, um, But anyways, Yeah, and not, not a lot going on in my week. Just a few things going on personally that I’ve been having to take care of. I’ve been spending a lot, um, of time and money, you know, putting back into this podcast and some other things in my life.

And, um, you know, I found myself being put in a position where you need to get your financial priorities straight. You know what I mean? Like, I, I found myself spending money on things that were, um, I guess, I guess in the way, just not the right thing to spend money on, or at least I, I don’t know. I don’t know if you guys can agree to this.

Sometimes it’s not about that was the wrong thing to buy. Sometimes it’s about like, this was the wrong thing to buy at this time. Because like for instance, me, you know, with my, with my salary and everything in my life, me buying a Lamborghini, that’s not just the wrong thing to buy at that time. That’s just a stupid, that’s just a, a bad idea.

That’s just a wrong thing to buy, period. Me buying, I don’t know. What’s an example? Um, fucking, uh, what’s, I don’t know, the iPhone 14. Which I actually just got recently, which is kind of again, a bad example, but let’s say I didn’t need it, right? Me buying the iPhone 14, okay. I spent, you know, $800 on this phone.

You know, I needed an upgrade, but I didn’t need it. Now you kind get what I mean. So it’s like I found myself spending money on things that weren’t a bad idea, but it was just the wrong moment to act on it, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? And I’m, I’m sure you guys have been in that situation where you’re like, Okay, I actually needed this, but I didn’t need.

Immediately, And that’s kind of part of my problem is I’m, I’m a little bit of a compulsive buyer. It doesn’t take long to, or it doesn’t take much to, can really convince me to buying something. If you have a good sales pitch and it’s already something that I want, all you gotta do is throw some, you know, lovely words at me in the right way.

And I’m like, Okay, well yeah, I want that. Okay, I’ll buy it. And then I immediately have buyer’s remorse. And there’s not so much that, like, again, it’s not like I can’t quote unquote afford it. It’s just I find myself long term not being able to spend money on the things that I actually do need because I spent money on the things that I don’t need right away.

So none more. Um, Um, relevant. Then I was just telling my friend about this a couple weeks ago actually. I, I was on TikTok and I, and I saw this, uh, this robot, uh, it’s like a, uh, how do I describe it? I don’t even know if you call it a toy, but it’s like a kids’ device. It’s like a robot kids’ device. You probably saw it.

I forgot what it’s called, but, um, but it’s, it’s like super advanced. It’s super smart. It says your child’s name actually really actually has a conversation with you, which is really cool. And I thought, Wow, what an amazing gift. Because truth be told, You know, at my house, it’s just me and my daughter. And a lot of the time I, I’d say half the conversations that me and my daughter have are arguing about the exact moment that she wants me to play with her.

She’s like, Can you play with me? You know, and playing with her is a real struggle. I, I don’t mind playing with her. I’ll play Barbies and toys with her all day. But it’s the way she plays that I don’t like, I’ll be like, she’ll be like, Okay, you be him and I’ll be this. And I’ll be like, Okay, I’m Ken, You’re Barbie.

And I’ll be like, Oh, hey Barbie. And she’ll be like, No, he wouldn’t say it like that. And I’ll be like, Okay, I’m going to the park. And she’ll be like, No, you don’t go to the park. That’s not the park. And I’ll be like, Okay, this is a hula hoop. She’s like, That’s not a hula hoop, that is a hat. And like, so she, she really is not like a cool person to play with.

Um, So, but you know, we, we have these debates all the time and I’m like, you know what? Fuck, I haven’t really been taking any of this school that much or to daycare that much recently. Um, for whatever reason, you know, she goes, but like, you know, it’s very, you know, it’s hit and miss sometimes and I’m like, you really just need a friend, right?

And, uh, you know, all my, none of my friends have kids. So it’s like, man, how do, how do I, But this, this robot, it really like, I don’t know how to describe it to you guys, where it sounds, um, like where it sounds feasible and, and it makes you kind of get what I mean, but at the robot you can like really have a conversation.

It’s like so cool for your kid. It’s like super advanced. But anyways, what I was getting to the punchline is the robot costs. I think about. I don’t know if it was 1300. No, it wasn’t. It definitely wasn’t over two grand. I think it was like $1,300. Um, and I almost bought it on spot. I’m like, Man, am I really gonna spend 1300 on a fucking like robot device that like, it’s, I mean, it’s, it’s quite possible.

There’s a very real, real possibility that I could spend 1300 on this toy. She’s infatuated with it for maybe the week that I have her. Right. She goes to her mom’s, comes back the next week after. Maybe she plays the, another couple of days, and it’s quite possible after a month maybe. Even after a month, it’s quite possible that she really just doesn’t give a fuck about it anymore after that.

And that’s what, that’s what kind goes as my biggest resuscitation. And I think you’ll find with most kids, and especially mine, it doesn’t, you can go big and you can buy all these fancy like things like, I just bought like this, hundred dollars, a hundred plus, you know, Leap Frog phone or whatever that she really wanted.

And, um, just hard, just hardly ever touches it. Um, but you can go big and it’s really the small things that she’ll want, Like the things like it’s, it’s, it blows my mind. The same day I bought that fucking leap, this a hundred dollars phone, this fake phone, this toy smartphone, quote unquote, that I got for her.

I also bought her like this little puppy key chain thing. She plays with the key chain little puppy more than she does this a hundred dollars. Fake fucking smartphone that I got her. It’s unbelievable. So, uh, there’s very real possibility that she won’t play, play with it. I mean, truth be told, I am still probably gonna get it.

Uh, I’m probably gonna get it for, for Christmas for her, but, um, I don’t know. It is kind of the problem that I have is I’m a spontaneous spender. I spend things on, I spend money on things that I don’t necessarily need immediately. Um, and I spend, I think, which sounds kind of, you know, whatever to say, but I think I spend way too much money on my daughter, on the non-essential things.

You know, food, the essentials. Of course, I spend a lot of money on her, but that doesn’t bother me. That’s all things that she needs. It’s the things that she doesn’t need that kind of bother me. Like this fucking phone, this, uh, you know, this robot that I’m thinking of buying her. Um, there’s a lot of shit.

And, um, I don’t know, I guess, you know, at first I think I was spending a lot because I was trying to, in a way, impress her, like win her over because I felt like I was in this like, um, quiet competition with her mother, for instance. Like, you know, we’re, we we’re not together and it’s kinda like, who has a better house?

You know what I mean? Which is unhealthy really on my end. But I feel like I was kind of in a competition with her mom. And really I just kind of felt like, all right, at this point I. I’m in kind of a competition with myself, you know what I mean? I don’t even see the woman. So, you know, the only re the only person that’s really affecting or bothering me is, is really me.

So I had to kind of tone it back and really reflect on what I was spending my money on and if it was reasonable or not. Um, while still trying to maintain a sense of non compulsion when it comes to my spending habits. Um, I, I could be, I think, I think going back in college, which I, I’m sure is everyone, but going back.

I think I’d be in a really, really wealthy position if I’d done certain things differently in college. But, you know, I’ll tell you what, uh, America really doesn’t set you up like that. The first thing, uh, that happened to me when I got to college is someone just like handed a a credit card down my throat and was like, Hey, take this credit card has a high limit.

I don’t know what the fuck credit is, but I’ll spend all of it and just fuck up by credit and just deal with that ramifications afterwards. And I think as like, I think, you know, high schoolers or maybe an early freshman going into college where, you know, not a lot of money is, um, You know, on hand, , you know, um, and there’s ramen all the time.

I think it’s so enticing just to take that credit card because no one really teaches you really this financial responsibilities probably on purpose, um, of taking a responsibility like that. But I was one of those kids who kind of was like, Yeah, I’m just, what the fuck is credit? Why should it bother me?

And the knowledge that I have now, man, I think I’d be really. I, I’m not gonna lie, I, this is totally truth. I think I’d be a really wealthy person if I would’ve just done a little bit of things differently. But I don’t really reflect on the past. How do I, Well, I do, but I don’t want to, you know, I don’t want to reflect on the past like that, but I look, you know, in certain situations like this where I’m like, man, I’m spreading myself a little thin here on the things that I’m buying.

Um, you just kind of be like, Man, I had a shit ton of money in college and I just spent it on stupid places. So, I don’t know. That was my little tangent about my little financial, um, knowledge. . I’ll tell you what though, what I really love about. Me and my daughter’s relationship is, I feel like we have such a strong, you know, one-on-one father-daughter bond with each other.

We really do. Um, you know, she told me the other day, um, she said, Daddy, I really don’t want you to ever have another kid. And I’m like, Why? She’s like, I just wanted to be you and me. And I really kind of melted my heart there. Um, probably because she was having a little bit of whatever frustration or, um, stress or confusion about, um, you know, uh, the differences between our households, you know, at her mom that she just had a new kid and she has another partner, you know.

And here at my house it’s very different. Layla has literally all my attention. Um, it’s just me and her. And I have no other daughter. I mean, I have a, I have a dog, which she said is kind of, which she mentioned that too. She’s like, I’m like, Well, what if Daddy has another kid? She’s like, Well, you already have one.

You have like a, you have a dog, and that’s kind of like a kid, right? And I was like, uh, actually you’re, you know, you’re kind of right. Um, she’s getting kind of smart. Um, and, and it was, it’s, it just kind of got me thinking about our bond that her and I have with each other. I remember early in my parenting, I felt like, man, like, does she even like me?

Like sometimes like, you know, we had a bad week, and I’m like, Does this girl even like me? I don’t know. Like, you know, Um, um, Layla. Layla has, Layla has a bad attitude sometimes , but, uh, um, I don’t know. You wonder if you’re doing. I mean, every, every parent has that inner dilemma or question that they post themselves.

Am I doing this right? And not to sound, you know, not humble here, but I, I feel like, I feel like I am a good dad. I feel like I am at least doing my best, and I feel like I’m doing the right things. You know what I mean? I, I feel like I’m doing, I feel like I’m doing okay. I feel like I’m a good parent. Um, Yeah, I mean we, Yeah.

Do I mess up sometimes and do I gonna raise my voice or, you know, snap at her sometimes, Of course. But we have, it’s kinda like the bond that we have to each other is just like so intense. It makes me really happy. It’s like it’s just me and that girl. We help each other, you know, We care for each other. I remember today, I really, I got, I got really nauseous because I just spent chugging coffee lately.

And I think it just made me dehydrated. And I, I just, I wasn’t drinking a lot of water, so I got really, I got kind of like, I, I got kind of weak and nauseous and I just laid down and I was like, uh, I’m sorry. I really don’t feel good. And she just got me water and she put a blanket over me and she’s like, It’s okay dad.

And it is just like, man, I’m like, We have a really great bond together, don’t we? You sweet, sweet little girl. Um, which is funny because sometimes, you know, um, Layla, Layla goes in between sleeping in my bed and sleeping in her bed and which, which is a PSA to any parent out there if you’re gonna, um, there comes a time where I think like after maybe one, make that commitment period to letting them sleep in their.

Period. No if hands or butts about it. Because if you give in, you’re just like, Ah, I love you. I love you. Come here and you let him sleep in your bed. It will be a consistent nightmare to transition out of that. And it still kinda is. But anyway, she goes half and half and it’s funny because at night she, I mean she loves me to death, but she doesn’t like to be touched and she doesn’t really like to be

Even just strip spoken to at night, she gets kind of like grumpy, tired. Which is kind of funny cause I imagine that’s kind of what my future girlfriend would be like. Um, I mean, it reminds me of a few girlfriends I’ve had in the past is kind of what I’m saying. But like she, um, um, I’ll be like, we’ll cuddle with each other and I’ll be like, Uh, come here Leila.

I love you so much. And I’ll just kiss her on the cheek and she’ll be like, Okay, but just get away from me and. What she’s trying to say is, I’m tired and I just wanna watch my show and be left alone. But I have a king size mattress. And there’d be a few times where she would just, she would purposely go on the furthest edge of the bed just because I tried to cuddle her.

She’d be like, Get away from me. And it’s funny because even those nights, I’ll turn over and go to sleep, and sometimes I’ll almost be falling off my king size mattress of how tightly close. She’s, she just, uh, I guess just hobbled over to me like, she just wants to be next to me. It’s so sweet. And there’s times that like, even I think, I think even just today actually, I was like, Layla, I love you.

It’s like, I don’t 11, 11 o’clock at night and kind of passed her bedtime. I was like, Layla, I love you. She’s like, Okay, but stop talking. I’d be like, I love you though. She’s like, Love you too. And. Uh, you know, she, she gets kind of rude at night and I, I don’t say much about it just cause I get it. I’m like, okay, you’re just tired.

But she’s so invested in her show. And anyways, I got caught off, like, kind of on a tangent there. But, uh, you know, her bond, me and that little girl’s bond is something that I just cherish to for the life of me. She’s just an amazing child and it’s brought me so much joy in my life. I really couldn’t imagine.

I was speaking to my nana about this not too long ago. I really couldn’t imagine my life with ours. I feel like she really saved my life in a lot of ways. It’s funny because you can kind of think moments in your life where you, you know, I, I don’t know. I don’t wanna offend anyone. I, I don’t know if you guys believe in God or not, but I do, even though I’m more of a spiritual person, I’m not like full on Christian where I, um, believe that everything’s in the Bible.

But I do believe in God. And you know, I believe there’s certain miracles of that’s happened in my life that could just not be, There’s no other explanation other than God and manifestation. Anyways, um, I in college just feeling really alone and sad and just kind of feeling like, man, I don’t think I’m ever gonna really have a family.

And I prayed to God all the time, you know, I know mean you haven’t spoken much or been on the best of terms, but I’m actively trying to change and turn my life around. All I’m asking is to gimme a chance at a family, someone who loves me, you know, just someone. Just a connection with a family. And if, and those of you who have listened to me know that, you know, I’ve had some, a lot of real complications with my family in the past.

I, you know, basically, I mean, at this point as it stands today, haven’t really spoke or seen my siblings in, I think 10 years, um, including my mother. Um, and, you know, I spoke about it in a previous episode, but you guys know the relationship with my dad and kind of how that transpired. But, um, yeah, I just, I found myself praying to him a lot.

And over the past, I think over the next couple months or so, during that time, I ended up meeting my child’s mother. We ended up having a a baby. And even though it didn’t work out how I wanted it to, I still feel like I have my family. You know, everything kind of worked out. I may not see my siblings any anymore or we speak to them, but I still have, uh, a brand new sister.

You know, I’m still a renewed, in a way, renewed Big brother. Um, Which in a way it like, like I said, it’s, it’s, it’s different because my sister, I think is, um, uh, five. It’s ironic because she has the same birthday as me. We’re both born on Valentine’s Day, which is, is pretty crazy. But, uh, it’s hard to say. I mean, people say, Are you guys close?

And I’m like, Well, it’s kind of hard to really say yes or no. It’s like, what do I have in common with a five year old? She’s more, she’s closer to my daughter than she is me. It’s kind of how I would answer that. But it’s not out of like anything wrong. It’s just like she’s, I think she’s five, you know, what do I have in common?

But, um, yeah, I mean, I relationship with my dad. My daughter, you know, And, and it is just so, I feel so blessed and, and, and thankful that I have her, you know, she’s like, she saved me. And what I mean by saved me is I just, I just felt so again, I felt so lost. I felt so alone. And, you know, even part of, and I spoke about it in my last episode, but even part of my journey now.

Into the kind of the self discovery of what’s next for me. And, and, and, um, you know, learning more about myself is kind of dealing with the fact that when she’s here, I feel like I’m in heaven. And when she goes to her mom, I feel kind of like a, I feel kind of lost in the wind. I’m like, like after I drop her off at her mom’s house, I kind of just feel like, Okay, now what?

You know what I mean? I’m like, Now what? Um, you know, I have my work, I have my job, I have my friends who I’m very blessed over because they’ve, we’ve really grown into, I feel like a family now with my, with my friends. We’re really, we’re really a Tightknit family. Um, but, um, you know, I, it, it’s kind of, I feel, I feel very, I feel very lost at times and.

You know, I, I think, I think I give my all into being a little busy and lazy during that time that she’s not here. And what I mean by that is when it comes to my work or things that I’m focused on, I can, I can put my whole energy into that. I mean, the first thing I do when my daughter leaves is I come back home.

I, I really just chill. So, Saturday through Saturday with my daughter, when I drop my daughter off, come back to my house, take a little nap, I’ll make some coffee, I’ll play video games, see what, see what’s popping for the night, but usually nothing. So I’ll kind of just, you know, chill out, watch a movie, blah, blah, blah.

Next day after that, straight up cleaning. Even though I, I make my daughter’s side note. Having a, having a kid is really cool because you can kind of make them do whatever you want. , I, I, I admit I will, I will make my daughter be a little bit of, you know, a little bit of a butler for me. I’ll be, you know, I’ll be like, Hey, go grab that for me.

Go do that. Go do that. It’s kind of cool, you know what I mean? It’s, it’s less than what I would do if I had a son. I think. And I know that sounds sexist, but you know, I, I, for whatever reason, I just can’t imagine myself being like, Hey, take, hey, go take out the trash. But, um, You know, I, I, what I’m trying to say is I’ll make her do a whole bunch of shit before she leaves, but I clean that up, clean that up, this shit I don’t want to do.

But, you know, on my Sundays, yeah, I’ll, I’ll spend the whole day either cleaning and doing laundry and kind of just making it kind of resetting, just making my house look a little organized because she, when my daughter comes, she can kind of make things a little bit of a tornado at my house. Um, and then the rest of the week is kind of like, Man, now what?

You know what I mean? I chilled, I cleaned, and now I don’t know what the fuck to do with the rest of my week. So I, and that’s kind of my dilemma now with being a parent and kind of my self discovery is I’m like, I need really, I fucking need a girlfriend. You know what I mean? Which goes, brings me back to the fucking.

Nature of the podcast is the single Father podcast. Um, it’s, it’s difficult for me, man. I’m like, Man, I need a fucking girlfriend and all my friends know this too, you know? And, you know, it’s, it’s kind of just a gag at this point. But, um, you know, it’s, I’m trying, It’s hard, it’s hard to date in Vegas, as I said, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s a little bit of a different, and plus it’s, it’s just boring.

And I speak about this at nauseam, but I just have to keep bringing it up over and over again. Not to really convince you guys of anything, but just to get the point of, you know, my efforts. It’s just, it’s just so boring. I don’t like swiping, I don’t like the talking stage. I mean, you know, it’s like you talk to someone, you get to know them, and then something happens where you don’t like each other anymore, blah, blah, blah.

And, um, I don’t know, and you just kind of do it all over again. It’s just boring and, um, I just don’t want to do it. And sometimes the time where they can do a date just doesn’t align with me. And then if you, if you miss, it literally just happened to me the other day. I missed a, I wouldn’t say I missed it, I just couldn’t do it.

I just couldn’t do the exact day that she wanted to do it. And she got really, but heard about it and. You know, it kind of dwindled off after that. And I’m like, Dude, it’s fuck. You know what I mean? It’s either, sometimes people want to meet right away, which I’m totally down for, but it’s like sometimes it’s inconvenient for me or people want to text for like three months before even meet in person, which I think is totally just a waste of time.

But I don’t know. So it’s, it’s, it’s just really boring for me to go and do the dating thing. And there is a little bit of, um, I’ll admit there is a little bit of apprehension just because as I spoke about the strong bond with me and my daughter, I guess there is, I guess there is some fear there. If I’m thinking on a psychologist point of view, there is some fear there of like, Um, I’d been doing this so long as a single father.

I imagine it would be really weird to kind of bring someone into that dynamic knowing that, okay, this is my partner, right? Really like this person. And hence just, you know, true to form just what my daughter said to me the other day. I didn’t really want you to have another kid. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

How do I bring that dynamic into me? And my daughter’s relationship that we have now. Um, because if, and I just kind of, and I hope I really painted the picture for you on something to, it’s, it’s really hard to imagine. Seriously. It’s like just me and my daughter hu day in, day out. Sometimes there’d be some weeks where we don’t even go anywhere.

This week we haven’t really gone anywhere at all. We haven’t gone to anyone’s house, my grandma’s house. Yeah. Maybe we’ve just been chilling around the house and going on walks and. Right. You know, it’s just me and her. And so it’s like, how do I bring someone else into that dynamic where now someone else, I don’t know.

It’s, it’s, I guess there is a little bit of apprehension there, but it’s like, No, I’m fucking ready for a girlfriend, you know? But, uh, you know, I don’t know. It’s, it’s hard to, it’s hard to really process about how all that would work. Um, but I’m fucking, I’m ready, man. I’m ready. I’m ready. Ready, Ready. Um, I’m just waiting to find my one.

But at, at this point, I’m just waiting for it to find me. I’m sure that God has a plan for me, and like I said in my previous episode, I’m very comfortable being single. Even though I am waiting to find my partner, I’m very comfortable with where I’m at. I think part of my self discovery is just kind of finding things in my life that not only keep me busy, but finding things that I love that gain my attention enough to where I don’t feel just lost, if that makes sense.

So I’m trying new things. I’m putting myself out there in new aspects. I’m searching for new ventures to, to, um, you know, um, well walk across I guess. Um, you know, I’m. I’m doing what I feel like I need to be doing, and I, and I’m happy with the results so far, and I, I’ll keep you guys updated on kind of my journey and within doing that, but, um, yeah, it’s, it’s an everyday working progress that.

Eventually will work itself out. And that’s kind of how I will describe my life. . Um, and, uh, yeah, I, I mean, I, I just, I just, again, it’s, it’s really nice to kind of just talk that through and, um, and, uh, I’ll tell you what, the biggest, the biggest struggle that I’m having right now parenting wise is feeding my daughter.

She is a very picky eater. Every day in the morning, all she asks for is, uh, muffins. You know, those kid muffins that you see at like Smith’s or Tar Target. She’s loves every day. She wants muffins or peanut butter and jelly, and. It’s really hard for me to kind of, you know, justify that in my head. I’m like, I can’t just keep fucking, so I’ll switch it up.

But she’s just, she’ll half eat shit. You know? I’ll be like, have some cheese or have some this, you know, How about some apple sauce or some yogurt and some carrots. Like, I’ll make different shit. She just like, she’s a half eater. Like if she doesn’t, if she’s not really into it, she just take a couple bites and I’m like, You haven’t really eaten today.

And it, it’s, it’s such a struggle. I’m sure. I’m sure. I haven’t really read into it to be honest with you. I’m, I’m sure it’s, it’s like, like that with every parent. I’m sure it is. I’m, I’m sure it is, but it’s, it really is frustrating on my end just because I’m like, Dude, what the f You know, you can’t just eat peanut butter and jelly muffins all day.

You have to be like, you know what I mean? It’s frustrating. There’s a, there’s a, there’s a website out there called Little Spoon. I wish they had a, an, an, uh, an app, by the way, it’s kind of fucked up that they don’t, I’d be way more interested if they in, you know, involved if they had an app. I don’t like going on websites for shit like this, but they have a website, whereas they, it’s kinda like freshly, you know, where they send you pre-made fresh food once a week or some shit like that, or Hello, fresh, whatever you wanna call it.

But for kids, so it’s like if you have a baby, they’ll send you a baby food every week, or they’ll send toddler food. I did it for a while. and the same result, she either cried that I was giving it to her even without even touching it, looking, you know, without even looking at it, automatically cried.

Wasn’t into it. I don’t want to, so, my God, or I just wanna, peanut a butter jelly, you know, pisses me off. I’m like, you know, and, and you kind of, you kind of argue I’m having a full on. Argumentative debate with a fucking, she was three at the time with a three year old. I’m, I’m, I’m really, I’m, I’m heated.

I’m having a full on argument with a, with a three year old. I’m like, You’re gonna fucking eat this shit. I didn’t say it like that, by the way, , But just to clarify. Anyway, I would never talk to my daughter like that, but I’m like, You’re gonna fucking eat this fucking shit. I spent fucking, however, a hundred more than a hundred dollars on this fucking weekly fucking shit.

You’re gonna fucking eat it. You know? And, you know, at the end of the day, she won. You know, I’m in her fucking peanut butter and jelly, you know? Um, I, I make her, My deal with her is you try it once. You don’t like it, throw it away. Boom deal. The problem is whether she, and I know my daughter, whether she likes it or not, she’ll try it.

She won’t give a fuck how it tastes. It could be delicious. I, she don’t give a fuck. She wants, she wants what she wants. She’ll spit it out and I don’t like it. Oh my God, I don’t like it. And then she’ll, you know, she’ll throw it away and I’ve already made that deal with her, so I can’t be like, try another bite.

You know? I want to, I want to wanna hold my deal. Um, so I, I think I’m thinking I want to go back to that, but I, I just, in my heart, I feel like I’ll have the same result, which pisses me off. But, um, I don’t know how to tackle that. But that, that, right now, that is , that’s the hardest part about being a parent at this very moment.

Um, and school sometimes she is, she generally, um, acts. You know, the devil lives at school or, and you know, I’m like, she, I murdered her whole family by just even suggesting the fact like, Hey, maybe you should go to daycare today. Um, so I don’t know. That’s also another thing I have to think about too. I don’t know when the exact, I could look it up right now, but whatever.

Um, it’s coming up soon where she has to go to, uh, whatever you call it. Is it kindergarten? It’s just real school, right? Not preschool. Is it kind? I think it is kindergarten. Um, and I think me and her mom are on the same page where we want her to go to private school. The schools in Vegas are kind of shitty.

Um, so I think I want her to go to private school. I think it’s gonna be a little bit of a, um, a pain in the ass, um, uh, going back and forth with her mom on the details and the logistics of how that’s gonna work and shit like that. But, um, you know, I’m, I’m really interested in my, in my daughter going to private school soon.

And, um, and, um, even, wow, even, even right now, it, I, I felt an overwhelming heartbreak in my heart about just even the fact that my daughter is getting old enough to go to school. Um, I don’t know. And when, when you’re a parent, you can understand, like you just, sometimes you just think too deeply into things.

I’m like, My daughter’s four, like, she’s gonna be in my house for a while. Sometimes you going this tangent, like, Oh my God, she’s gonna be a teenager, she’s gonna be 16, and just no time yelling at me. And then she’s gonna move out and college and. But anyways, um, yeah, so I, it’s coming up where she has to go to kindergarten, the details of that, I don’t know how it’s gonna work.

I, I don’t really talk to her mom, so I think the only time we’d have to really talk again is probably, um, around, and, and besides an emergency, I think the only time we’d have to talk again is kind of around school time and how that would work. Um, and I don’t know, to be honest. So, uh, we got a while to go.

I don’t know why. I just thought of that. Just, uh, I think that’s another thing that I’m, I’m not looking forward to, but, um, um, Yeah. You know, I, it just, I think the theme of this podcast is this episode is that my daughter is very, very, very, very expensive and, uh, and privileged . She’s very privileged and expensive.

Anyways, um, yeah, I, I had fun. This was a good episode. I got, I got to get some things off my chest. Again, not really anything going on, um, this week for me that’s big or, you know, worth dropping a bomb on you. There’s no really tea to spill this week. I’ve, I’m, I’ve had a pretty mellow and chill week besides a little knacks in the house, some things aren’t working or whatever.

Um, you know, adult shit, I’m, I’m pretty much good. Um, actually the only, the only big stress I had this week is um, I, I put my daughter in the bath. Right. Uh, and for whatever reason, I left my phone in there, I think for about an hour. I was looking for my phone literally everywhere. Like I cannot find the phone for my life anyways.

I hear my dad or my, my dad. I care. I hear my daughter calling me like, Hey, I’m ready to get out. I go in the bath find, find that she, I left my phone on the floor in the bath. Thank God she didn’t take it with her. But there’s water, there’s, you know, splashes of water all over it. I didn’t think anything of it really.

When you get water on your phone nowadays, I, I look, I think at least my mindset was like, ah, well who gives a shit? I’ve dropped my phone in water before. And, you know, Apple promotes, I know they say water resistant, but they pretty much promote that your, your phone is waterproof. I mean, say they don’t, I mean, they pretty much promote your, your phone is waterproof, right?

So, um, Anyways, so she splashed water on my phone and it’s, it’s, it was working for about 15 minutes and just shuts off, you know, And then just the, an endless Apple logo keeps popping up back and forth on it. So I’m like, Fuck, what do I do? I take my phone, I take my case off my phone, and a little water leaked out, and I’m like, Fuck was this?

I’m like, Still, It didn’t really, I wasn’t too concerned. Because I’m like, I’ve dropped my phone water. So I’m like, This is, this is temporary. So I, I was, I, when I say I was chill, I mean, I was fucking this chill as a fucking ice man. I was like, Okay, no problem. It’ll, it’ll start working again in a couple minutes.

15, 20 minutes go by, start getting a little worried. Still hasn’t started working again. I’m like, Okay. I’m, Let me, I’ve dried it off a little bit. Let me plug it into the computer. Um, I look it up on what to do. It says, you know, plug it in, click up, click update on iTunes or whatever. Um, so I click update not working, click restore, not working, power it on and off, not working.

Restart the iPhone, not, you know, force restart, not working. Um, at this point I’m kind of, I’m definitely con, I’m definitely concerned . So, um, I’m definitely fucking concerned. So I, um, I mean, I try everything. In fact, I look on YouTube, This guy says, Oh, I know the pre it is from water damage. I know the perfect thing to do.

Um, you know, download this app and it it, like, it gar, it’s guaranteed. Um, To, Sorry, I just thought about, I, you know, I’m like, I, I think I paid for this app and I, I still have my credit card information there. I don’t, I have to, I have to cancel the recurring payments. I, You guys ever done this? It’s kind of stupid, but you ever bought something off of like a website and you kind of forget that, you forget about it, but you don’t know the exact website it was and you don’t know how to cancel the payments.

It probably never happened to you. Probably just a me thing. But anyways, so I, uh, I, I, so I’m on, I’m on this fucking app on how to fix your phone and it’s like guaranteed to fix with water damage and it, I went through the whole process. It was a long process not to get it fixed through the whole process, firmware and some shit like that does not work.

And, and it says guaranteed to work. So I look, he says, if you’re, if it should, there’s a warning thing there. If this doesn’t work, your iPhone is definitely bricked and should take it to the Apple store. It’s like fucked. Basically saying you’re fucked. So, Um, I’m like, I have to go to the Apple store. This is great.

Luckily it was about, it was late at night, so I’m like, Okay, I’m not a fend. I can go without a phone for the night. My only concern is I don’t know how to get anywhere in Vegas without Apple maps. I’m bad of directions. If you ask me where I live, I can tell you, uh, I’m not gonna say where I live, but I can, I can tell you, um, a general area of where I live.

Like I can tell you like, I live by blah, blah, blah, but if you asked me my cross, I don’t, I don’t know if I’m, I don’t know if I’m a hundred percent certain of what my crossroads are. Um, My cross streets, but I, I just don’t know. I don’t know where I live. I don’t know how to get anywhere without maps. Now, things that are close by that, like I know for certain on how to get there.

Yeah, I can get there, but the Apple store I think is about 15, 20 minutes away from me. I do not know how to get there whatsoever. It’s, it’s kind of fucked up because it’s, it’s like a really large mall and I should know how to get there, but I, I do, I do not. Um, so I was, I was worried. Um, I called my dad off this work off.

I have a work number off my computer, so I’m call, I called them off my computer. And I told him what happened, and he is like, Well, it’s unbelievable how you don’t know how to get to the Apple store. He gives me like these slight directions on how to get there, but I’m like, really? I have no intention of going there whatsoever because there’s an at and t store basically up the street.

I’m just gonna go to ATT and they’ll figure it out, go to at and t and be like, and he like, first thing he says is like, Bro, I don’t know, man. You really take this to Seattle store. It just really could not help me whatsoever. So I’m like, Man, let’s could go one or two ways. My, my dad gave me directions on how to get there and he said, it’s pretty fucking clear.

However, again, I’m the worst person of directions. It was concerned. So I’m like, I have my daughter in the back seat. Best case scenario, I get there. Worst case scenario, I’m in Utah with my daughter and with no phone. I have no, you know, I don’t know. So I’m like, All right, best. I’m like, I’m just gonna put my best foot forward.

And try to get there. Luckily enough, it was pretty, pretty fucking clear on how to get there. Like it’s, there’s, there’s no way you can miss it. Like, before I even got off on the exit, you can see them mall. And I’m like, Okay. Took my phone to the Apple store, though. They said it’s about $500 to fix. I was pretty pissed.

Um, and I went to at and t again, the cheaper route would be to upgrade my phone, upgraded to iPhone 14. Um, but still I need to get my other phone fixed somehow. Um, and then I can trade it in, blah, blah, blah. But I don’t know. So that was the only really big stressor about my week. Uh, the point of the story is I’m, I’m bad of directions and, um, I need to get better at that.

I just need a girlfriend. I need someone. I need a partner. You know, that’s really the moral of the story is I need a partner who’s able to help me with these things, who’s able to give me directions. Um, all of this would be fixed if I just had someone in my life was to help me pay rent and to help me with directions.

Not necessarily someone to love. Doesn’t have to be someone to love. Doesn’t have to be, don’t have to love me. Just, you know, just be there for me, You know, be present. Help me pay, rent, help me with directions, and we’re good. We’ll have a great life together, I guarantee it. Um, maybe give me a son, give me another daughter.

That’s fine. You know, take it from there. Um, but, uh, yeah, . Anyways, guys, um, that’s pretty much my week. It was Okay. Um, um, I’m, I’m just really happy that, uh, I got to share all that with you cuz it, it truly was very cathartic. Um, I’m gonna move into the next segment. Uh, of the podcast where we call, um, Mail Bag, where I read a few email questions that you guys have sent, uh, into me that you want me to read on the show.

Um, just to let you guys know, if you want me to read one of your questions or if you have anything you want, just want to say, or you ever really just have you a question for me, I’ll read it on the podcast if it’s appropriate, and if it’s, um, pretty much relevant, I guess. Um, email me@hellompac.org and, uh, yeah, maybe you’ll get your question answered on the next podcast episode.

So, uh, starting with the first from anonymous, will you ever do video podcasts? Um, yes, I will. But, uh, it’s funny you say that actually. I, I’m, I, it’s, it’s not, well, well, let me say this first. It, it. It has not yet been feasible for me to really do video podcasts. I have a lot of the, I’m, well, I have some of the equipment that I would need.

Not good, not great. I have some of the equipment that I would need for the video podcasts. I’m testing some things out. Um, but it’s not, it’s not, it’s not there, you know, it’s not, it’s not something where I feel like would even happen this year, to be honest. Um, I may have discovered a solution for that, though I may have.

And in fact, right before I started this podcast, actually, I, I, I, I may have discovered a solution for me to do video podcasts coming up soon. Um, I’ll be looking at that option, but, um, Yes, I will do video podcasts eventually. It’s just something that I’m not, um, capable of doing right now. Lit, literally, just because, just the way my house is set up and certain things is, it is just not, it’s not, it’s just not there.

You know, I’m, I’m focused on quality, not just putting some random shit out. So, um, we’ll see what’s up. Like I said, I may have, I may have discovered a solution. Um, but again, we’ll see. Uh, I mean, the other, the other thing is, I mean, I, I, I feel like I’m pretty committed on doing my podcast at home. I’ve, as far as audio goes, I spent a, a shit ton of money on a lot of different things, um, to make the podcast sound good.

Um, so I’m pretty committed on doing the podcast at home. A few people have offered for me to do it in, in, in a studio, and it, it just, first of all, it’s a, it’s a cost that I can’t take on right now, and it would be an unnecessary cost, and I’m pretty comfortable doing my podcast at home. So, um, for now at least, so there’s that.

Um, when I move into a house, the, the, I already have a, a basic setup though. When I already have, when I move into a house, it, everything will be in place. I have. Things on deck that are just ready to be set up for a house. But like I said, anyways, I, I may have discovered a solution for that, but we’ll see.

Um, uh, um, um, sorry, next question. What is the hardest part about being a parent? I think I answered that earlier actually. Ironically. Um, it’s really, well, as of right now, the hardest part being apparent is, uh, feeding my daughter in a general sense. Um, I don’t know. I guess just making sure that you’re doing the right thing.

Um, not this intense, but I mean, I mean, I’m sure you guys have, uh, uh, heard about or looked at the, um, that Jeffrey Daher, um, it’s not a bi, it’s not a, it’s not a documentary, but the series that’s on a Netflix. I watched the whole thing and at the very end, I think the, I think the very last episode, they, they just made insinuations to kind of things in the, in his past that may have let, I mean, Um, and nothing’s that intense , but you, you wonder like, not will my daughter grow up to be a serial killer, but it’s like, you know, there’s so many things that you could do, um, without even knowing that you’re doing it that could affect your child’s future.

And I’ve never really thought of that in a scary point of view. And I mean, scary as in like, I, I’m scared that I’m not doing the right thing, you know what I mean? Um, I’ve been worried that, man, maybe I yell at you two, but I’ve, I’ve never been scared, like, you know, I don’t wanna be responsible for, you know, you growing up a certain way.

You know what I mean? So the scary part is like being responsible for, um, Her growing up in a way that would not be indicative to how I would wanna raise my daughter. Um, so to answer your question, the hardest part, it being a parent, I guess what I’m trying to say is just making sure that you’re, you’re doing the right thing, You know, I wanna make sure that I’m doing right by my daughter, making sure that I’m not scouring her in any way and I’m, I’m that she’s healthy, she feels loved, and I’m not worried about the love part.

Like I said, I’m not worried about, I, I, I mean, I, I give affirmations to my daughter all the time and she knows that I think she’s the, the, the apple of my eye. And, um, but I don’t know, you still worry every once in a while I’m like, Yeah, I wanna make sure I’m doing the right thing anyways. Uh, yeah. So I’d say in a general sense, just being of just, I guess just overall parenting normal fears, that’s kind of the hardest part.

Um, but as of right now, it’s making sure that, that, that girl eats literally anything other than a fucking peanut butter and jelly, you know, Um, . So there’s that. Uh, will you ever, The next question from anonymous, will you ever have any guests on your show? Uh, yes. Um, I mean, obviously in the previous episodes I’ve had guests in the show.

I have a few guests coming up. Um, one is, well, two are locked in. Another one I’m unsure about. And it’s really a matter of myself, to be honest with you. It’s just about timing. Um, you know, to be honest with you, it’s kind of hard to schedule. Yes. Um, not only does it, uh, cost. It’s, you know, just timing wise and communicating through email, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And, um, so yeah, I, I do have some guests that are coming on the show, um, one sooner than later, but, um, um, you know, it’s, you know, I, I want to have the podcast be, you know, pretty, pretty, pretty focused. So the part of the problem with having guests on the show is I’ve noticed that, you know, things can get a little off topic when I’m talking to guests.

And what I mean by that is, Um, I know it’s basically an interview, but I want it to stay on theme. So the har like, really the hardest part is differentiating. Look, I know it’s the single father podcast. You don’t have to be a parent to come on and speak to me about mental health and relationships, right?

So navigating those conversations and making sure that it’s on theme for both individuals, I think that’s, that’s kind of the hard part. So that’s why you haven’t seen a lot of guests on the show. Um, but there’s been some ones that I’ve been feeling confident about bringing on that I feel like, um, just could add to the show.

So, yeah. Um, there will be more coming up soon. Um, what’s the deal with your shop? From Anonymous. Uh, from anonymous, what’s the deal with your shop? I don’t know what you mean by that, but, but, but if you mean, what’s the, what’s the, what’s the deal? Um, there’s, we just allow, we just, um, release some, some merch, some podcast merch.

Um, you can look it up@shop.ventpack.org, um, or check out our Facebook and Instagram and you can view the shops and, um, order some really cool merch on there directly. We have a hat. This is single father. We have, uh, really, really cool injury. We have a whole, one of my favorites, actually, the whole as dad hat.

Um, that’s my favorite. Um, Uh, we, we have some really cool march on there, so go check it out. Um, as far as anything other than that, I don’t know you mean by what’s the deal with the, with the, with the shop? Um, any suggest, uh, from anonymous, any advice for, I’m sorry, let me read this again. Any advice for a co-parenting father?

Um, I assume your yourself is that father. Um, you know, it, it’s hard for me to give advice when I don’t have, um, um,

I mean, for me, it’s kinda like you’re asking someone who is not a good driver. Can you give me driving lessons? You know what I mean? Um, I feel like in the past, here’s the thing. Um, I, How do I answer this? Um, I feel like there’s things that, Man, I’m struggling answering this question to be honest with you because , um, listen, anonymous, it, it’s, it’s hard for me to give a straight answer to you, but what I, what I can tell you is there’s things in my co-parenting relationship that I thought would never happen that happened, and then there’s things that I thought that would guarantee would happen.

Never happened. Um, so I don’t have a set in stone expectation about one way or the other. I’m concerned about one thing and one thing only, and then that’s my child’s wellbeing and the love that I show to her. Anything else is irrelevant and I can take it. Um, but, uh, the main concern and priority for me has always been when it comes to co-parenting, is making sure that my daughter grows up as normal as possible and doesn’t feel like her being in a separate households.

Um, is affecting her negatively. Um, that’s probably the best way I can answer that. You know, and there’s things that I felt when she was first born, there’s, that I felt were set in stone that are now different from when she was two year, two and a half years old, that I felt that, I feel like that was set in stone.

There’s feel there, there’s things that I feel now that I feel like are set in stone that probably won’t be five years from now. So I guess my best advice is keep an open mind and focus on your child. Focus on the love and the care that you give your kid and everything else. Everything else is just kind of irrelevant, you know?

So that’s my best advice. Um, You know, I’m running a, I’m running a little long here, guys, so I’m gonna wrap this up. Uh, thank you so much for, uh, joining me on today’s episode and, and allowing me to vent with you. This has been, again, really cathartic, just opening myself up and, um, expressing kind of, uh, my online journal here to all of you guys, my listeners, my pack, my vent pack.

So, and, you know, thank you for allowing me to share this with you. Um, and, and, and speaking of sharing, please share, like, subscribe, uh, write a review. About this podcast, or at least give it five stars, you know, I mean, it only takes a second. Give it five stars. If you don’t wanna, if you don’t wanna write a review, just click that five star button, click subscribe.

That’s, you know, it’s really all that I’m asking for. Um, there’ll be, I, I’m introducing a new way to support the podcast in the future, but right now it really helps. If you just leave a review, click. That subscribe button doesn’t take much of your day. It takes probably, maybe like, what, 10 seconds to do? I mean, it’s not, you know, not that bad.

Um, you know, call it an early Christmas gift. But, um, it really does help the podcast. And if you wanna support me, if you like this episode, if you like other episodes, Please. Um, it, it really does make a difference and allows me to keep going and, and able to deliver quality and then able to afford, um, guests and things that I want to do, uh, moving forward.

And, and, um, you know, the ultimate goal is hopefully maybe this could, um, you know, wishful thinking, but hopefully maybe this could become my full-time gig. I don’t know. Um, that would be in a couple of years, of course, but, uh, you never know wishful thinking. Um, but thank you guys for supporting me. Um, again, check out our, um, our socials, TikTok, Instagram, um, Facebook, uh, the single Father podcast.

Check out our shop there. Um, you know, shop dot van pack.org, and you know, look at some of the merch if you want. Great. Um, if you wanna write into me and I have a question, it’s hello@ventpack.org and in the subject line, just type in mail bag if you want to be featured on the podcast. If you want to vent to me about something, and if it’s appropriate you have a relevant topic that you want to just get off your chest, whether it’s about relationships, mental health, or parenting, co-parenting, et cetera, um, you know, look, if it’s appropriate, guys, I’m, I’m open to it.

Shoot me an email me at hello@ventpack.org. Um, in the subject line, just try type a venting sessions and, uh, maybe you could be featured on the podcast. We’ll have a venting session together. And we can kind of discuss the details of that. Um, um, there is a support group that I created for you guys on, on Facebook called, um, uh, called the Single Father Group.

It’s a Facebook group. Join it, um, communicate, talk amongst yourselves. I want us to be a pack, you know, inventing to a pack of, uh, people who have your back, right? That’s why I call it vent pack. Um, so thank you guys. Thank you for being a part of my pack. Thank you, um, for allowing me to vent with you. I’m sure I’m missing some things, but like I said, running a little long here.

And to be honest, it’s uh, now 4:30 AM so I’m gonna head to bed. Um, love you guys. Thank you so much. And, um, until next time, let’s vent together again. Bye-bye.

Episode 34: Forgiveness and gratitude

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SUMMARY:

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In this episode:

– I talk about my conflicts with letting go and forgiveness

– I speak about my built up anger I had that I didn’t know was still there

– I reflect on my resentment held me back from moving forward

– I talk about my struggles on moving the roadblocks in my path

Let me know what you think about this episode on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thesinglefatherpodcast/ (https://www.instagram.com/thesinglefatherpodcast/)

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-Music sourced from TuneTank.com.

-Produced/Edited with https://www.descript.com/

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Support this podcast:

The Single Father Podcast is a collection of journal entries from one man’s struggle to adapt to single fatherhood and mental health. In this podcast, you’ll hear about his highs and lows, defeats and victories, and everything in between. You’ll hear about his fears, pain points, and how he overcame them. Relationships, Mental Health, Fatherhood…Let’s Vent Together. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thesinglefatherpodcast/support (https://anchor.fm/thesinglefatherpodcast/support)

Transcript:

Well, hello, ladies and gentlemen, and otherwise it is your host Kendall Donika. I want to thank you guys for being a part of today’s episode and joining me for another venting session, where I give you a look inside of my life. As I talk about relationships. Parenting. Mental health support. And all of the above when it comes to my life.

And the inside look inside my journal. So thank you guys for joining me today. I want to start out by apologizing. Because last week, I didn’t release And the reason for that is I simply just could not find the time. And I want to also clarify that that will never happen again. I, um, found a way were high.

I will absolutely make sure that every single episode is weekly on Wednesdays as scheduled, making sure that you guys can experience that consistency for me. Um, from now on. But last week, I honestly just could not find the time I was very busy. And it was going through a lot of different things that I found were a little bit challenging for me at

And, uh, Wednesday came and I was like, okay, I’ll do it. Um, I’ll release one by Thursday and. I’ll set, I’ll release one by Friday and you know, Friday came and I just could not do it. And I’d kind of just said, well, forget about Oh, God, I just. Make this week as like a little vacation week. I dunno if podcasts was take vacations, but.

That was my vacation. And. Uh, from now on, it will be very consistent. A few things I wanted to add here is I released the single father So now if you go to our Instagram, uh, the single father podcast and on our Facebook, you’ll find the single father shop where we introduced a lot of different products there, some hats, some mugs. Um, so get that single father merge. Uh, they’re all very clever and interesting. And, um, I spend a lot of time on it and, uh, I’m really excited about it too.

You can also visit invent. Fam pact.org. And look for show notes and also see the shop there as well. Um, I’m, I’m really happy and Um, that we’re able to release that to you guys. So go ahead and check it out. Um, they’re pretty inexpensive. So just get one support to show tag me. I’ll repost you on my Instagram and, uh, yeah.

Um, so those are a few new developments that, um, Uh, I’d want it to just get some housekeeping out of the way, tell you about the shop. Um, you know, tell you that episodes will always remain consistent. And, um, and really kind of just give you guys a little update about my life and. Um, I feel like what’s been going on.

And it seems like every time I release an episode, there is something going on. But it’s kind of true to form to the nature of the show. It’s me venting. This is kind of like my own personal online journal, where I get to tell you guys a little bit about my life. And. You know, last week, last week was a little difficult

Um, Just because I had. I mean for two reasons, one, um, you know, I just received a message from someone that I wasn’t too happy about. And sometimes, and it’s a, it’s a really big. Flaw of mine, but sometimes when I receive. Somewhat of bad news or something like that. It tends to affect my whole day.

And I need to work on that and, um, put my mind in a position where I can let go of those things in a more healthy Um, but it did affect me pretty negatively. Um, and the other thing was, I think I kind of dispelled that negative energy out there. And I was, I can’t really talk about it, but I was putting in position.

Where I was. Extremely uncomfortable. Um, I was put in a position. Um, One night where I felt. Just kind of physically sick about how uncomfortable I was put in. Um, and I’ve never been in a position like that in my life. , Yeah, it wasn’t, it was really uncomfortable for me. And I kind of just felt down about how my week was going.

And just felt really negative. And I, and I wanted to search.

On how I can get this out of my, my aura, my life, my vibe, my energy. I wanted to kind of correct myself a little bit. ’cause I’m like this isn’t me. This isn’t like this. I think I’ve gone so far. Negatively. That I need, I need a healer to kind of step in So I went and saw a healer. And there was this guy who, um, you know, focuses on healing people and creating a more of achie in their life and helping them find balance within the personal life as well.

And, um, I was telling him, I’m like, look, I’ve. I I’ve been trying a lot of different things. I’ve been meditating. I’ve been, I’ve got these crystals that I’ve been wearing, these stones and crystals I’ve been wearing across my neck. And he said, He said, let me take a look at those. And.

He’s like. Well, these are the crystals that you need to have. But. Have you been showing gratitude towards them? Have you been talking to them? And I’m like, dude, I’m not going to talk to a fucking rock. What are you talking about? And he’s like, no, but hear me. Have you been showing gratitude? To the universe.

Have you been thinking. The stones for grounding you for helping you find balance. For pointing you in the right direction. And I said, Well, there’s nothing to really think as of right now, I’m my head is really negative. And he’s like, well, that’s the problem.

The, the stones. We’ll guide you, but you are the one that has to walk. They’ll show you the path, but you have to walk

And it reminded me of something that I went through when I was younger. When I was I, um, I felt that I really wanted to. Once again, can I change my aura and change my ways and myself as a person?

But not, not just the chief around me. I wanted to change myself as a person.

So I decided to get baptized.

And.

Allow myself to really become a better

So I got baptized. And the next day I woke And I think I spoke about this in my earlier podcast, but the next day I woke up. I feel like nothing has changed.

And I felt.

Kind of the same. Shitty person. That I feel like I’ve, I’ve, I’ve been feeling for the past couple

So I went to my pastor. And I said, Listen, I got baptized. And I don’t feel like anything. Really feels tremendously different. I thought I would wake up the next day and experience the holy spirit that I’d be walking on water, like Jesus, . And I don’t feel like that. I feel. The same.

And he told me.

Well, the path.

To becoming a better person.

Is not a light switch. It’s a journey.

And he said one of the very same things that this healer told He said. The journey.

Has to be. Walked. Bye. You. And God will show you the way you have to walk the path. And God will show The doors that need to be taken. But it is your complete choice to either walk towards them or walk away from them or not walk at all. You. Have to put one step and foot in front of the other every day.

That’s the trick to it all. You have to work at it every day.

And I said, wow, I thought. Being baptized, you just.

Kind of just take an elevator ride to where you need to be. And he’s like, no, no, no, no, no. You need to. You need to put one step in front of the And walk that path every single day.

And it was funny. Thinking Memory when the healer told me what he did, because I remembered that and I said, Wow. I forgot about that.

I forgot I also need to put in the work. And the rest will follow.

And I wasn’t doing that. I wasn’t putting myself in a position where. Aye.

Was putting one step in front of the other. I was kind of just taking this.

Elevator ride to nowhere.

It wasn’t moving. I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing. I discovered pretty early and pretty quickly that that was the problem.

And I also noticed that the part of the problem was there was roadblocks on the way.

On the paths that I was taking.

Each path that I decided to take. There was roadblocks there.

No in my mind, if you picture this. Path. That you’re walking.

I’m walking across on a path. Closer to God, closer to inner peace, closer to balance my life.

And in the way are these roadblocks.

Well you’re supposed to do is move the roadblocks out of the But sometimes they’re a little bit heavier.

Than usual.

And sometimes. These blocks, these.

Roadblocks in your way. Sometimes it’s. Almost impossible to move them at

And I think how easy or how hard these blocks are to move. Is completely dependent on your mindset. And how you visualize these blocks to be. In front of and I think. Part of the roadblocks that I’ve been experiencing lately.

Has been because. I’ve been holding on to. So much.

Regret. Anger.

Things that I wish were different in my life.

I’ve been angry.

And If you listen to my earlier podcast, I talk about a lot of my regret, but.

I think regret can easily turn into anger. And I think I’ve been angry.

I’ve been angry. That I’ve been even put in these positions of an angry, that things haven’t gone my way of an angry. About people who have hurt me.

You know,

I heard someone say that we. Do not have to love our enemies. But we do not have to be obsessed about the harm that was done to us. Our entire

And I found that pretty profound because I think for a long time, I’ve been obsessed about the pain and the anger that was done on to me.

About the harm that was caused on to me.

Whether it’s I play my parents or. A significant other. Or. Hypothetically my child’s mother. You know, there’s a lot of things out there that. I feel like I’ve just been hurt and wronged over. And it just made me angry.

And unlike what you think this anger did not make me stronger. It made me weaker. Then me and my arms weaker. And then my strength weaker. Where I wasn’t able to move these roadblocks in front of me. And I just been at a standstill. Not going back, not going forward, just standing in one place.

You know, I. I heard a very.

Great definition of depression. And it was drowning. Well, watching everyone around you breathing.

And I think that’s been my problem for a long time.

I have been so focused on watching other people breathe around me, that I forgot what it’s like to breathe on my own. Does that make sense? You know, I’m so focused on that person or this person, or. Or what I see in front of me, but I, I haven’t been focused on myself.

And I felt like it was time for me to. Gather this energy that I’ve been feeling and find out what’s important to me. You know, when you’re hungry, it’s food. That’s important when you’re lonely it’s company. And I think when you’re angry, If we dig deep. On what we’re searching in the anger it’s to find forgiveness.

I mean, really think about it. You may be confused by that, but. When we’re angry.

I think we searched to find that forgiveness before anything else. How can I forgive this person? How can I forgive them before? Such and such and such right. I want to forgive them. Can I, am I able to forgive?

I think everyone has that Before.

The other shoe drops. Right.

And because we’re not able to forgive. Is when we start doing the things that. Hold us back. They create roadblocks in our

I’m not able to forgive you. So I’m going to create a roadblock for myself and to you. I’m not going to move forward. I’m just going to stand right here in my anger.

And I’m ashamed because it just feels like that’s what I’ve been doing all this time. It’s just sitting here in my anger. Instead of focusing on what’s ahead.

And that really pisses me off. When I think about it because. This whole time. You know, I preach. Finding balance.

And I don’t think I realized it until I felt like I wanted to explode. That I’ve been so unbalanced this entire time.

I had no. One really to talk to. I had.

Or I felt like I had no support. And I think. A strong reason. Subliminally why I started this podcast and why I want to do so much. Is because I want to offer people the support that I felt that I’ve been lacking. A lot of my And I want to think one of my friends recently, and he listens to the podcasts, you know who you are.

Um, I was having dinner with one of my friends. And I was telling him about a situation with.

My child’s mother and her boyfriend. And I spoke about.

Uh, hypothetically how I felt he was.

This or that because he refused to. You know, grab a beer with me or meet with me for coffee. And for me to know more about him. ’cause I felt like that’s what you do when you’re a father. Co-parenting is. I mean everything I’ve seen from movies, right? You, you get to know the person who’s around your daughter.

And then my friend told me he’s like, well,

What would it really matter?

I’m like, what do you mean. And it’s like, what would it really matter? Whether you met up with him or not. What would it do for you other, just other than just confirm. But you don’t like him.

There’s nothing you could do about it. Even if he did like him. Even if you didn’t, what could you really

Nothing. So, what does it really matter?

And I kid

I’ve never thought about that before. Never. I can’t. I kid you not. I have never once thought about. What does it really matter?

Whether I like this guy or not.

There’s nothing I can do.

And it reminded me of the tattoo that I have on my own arm.

But haven’t looked at Is God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change to change the things that I can and the wisdom. To know the difference.

What does it really matter? Right.

I can only change the things that I can change. And I need to stop worrying about the things that I can’t.

And I think that goes back to the latest podcast I’ve been doing. And kind of how I’ve been feeling lately. Is. Letting go.

And creating a little gratitude and forgiveness in my life.

You know, it’s actually funny because, um,

This guy. When I was in high school.

This guy. I swear to God, he wanted to kill me.

And this girl came up to me one day when I was in high school and just started flirting with And I flirted with her back. Little did I know it was this, uh, It was the ex-girlfriend of this Italian guy who. Was pretty connected. Um, Within some of like the.

The.

I don’t know how to describe it. The thug crown crowd in high school. And, um, He found out that I was talking to her and. I swear to God, he wanted to kill me. And. It was part of the reason why I wanted to leave Vegas and. Go to Reno to college is because. I felt like there was just so much going on in Vegas.

And with my parents’ divorce and my ex-girlfriend, and now this guy wants to kill me. I was like, you know what? There’s no better sign for me to just leave.

And. So I But I kind of held a grudge against this guy for a very long time. Not only me just cause I didn’t purposely. Do a, to antagonize him, but just because. Of circumstances that, to be honest, I can’t even really remember at this point, I just remembered the guy was so angry and wanting to kill me. And I, I just, I hated that guy afterwards, you

So. About three days ago, I’m walking. With my daughter. At the mall. And I walked past this guy and he looks so familiar.

And I was just so compelled. To turn around and I said, excuse me. Is your name?

And he’s like, oh, Hey, what’s up Kendall. He stands up. Shakes my

And I’m like, what dude? Last time I saw you. You were, and I said this to him. I said, last time I saw you. You were trying to kill me. He’s like, yeah, we share we’re going at each other’s heads back then. Huh? And he just laughed and. His dad. Um, came around the corner and. Um,

I met his dad and he said, he asked about my daughter and he’s told me he had kid. I had a kid I think. And, um, We just talked for a minute. And I’m sitting there dumbfounded because. The last time I saw this guy, he wanted to kill me now. He’s greeting me with kindness and love. Introducing me to his father.

And I just couldn’t

And I’m like this guy. Has it really moved forward in grace?

You

And I just thought to myself, wow. I was holding a roadblock. In my heart for so long over something that didn’t even really matter. To anyone by myself.

And. At that point, I just decided to move on to.

I forgive and I forgave him right in there. And. I shook his hand Knight. Shook his father’s hand. And. I told my daughter to say hello and goodbye. And I went on my

And it was just a funny thing because. For so long. I had this image in my head of this guy, you know, And the moment he got up and smiled and shook my hand, I was.

It’s like.

It’s like you’re holding a grudge against a ghost. If that makes sense.

And you feel like.

I wonder how long I spent angry at this. Situation

It was long forgotten.

I kept the situation alive by my anger.

You know,

And we can do that.

The sky will never shine. If you hold on to the dark clouds around

I’m thankful for the things that are around me in the situation. That I find myself in with my beautiful daughter and. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I forgive the aspects of my life. That are not so great. Whether I’m speaking hypothetically about my child’s mother or not. Or whether I’m speaking about. People that I felt betrayed by, or whether I feel. I’m speaking about myself even.

I’m able to forgive. And each time. I’m able to forgive the roadblocks in front of me become easier to move.

So instead of. Dwelling. And it being obsessed with the harm again, that was done to us. We can move ahead.

Mercy is the only way It’s a song by Andrew Day. And one of the lyrics in her song, I feel like is a little profound.

The lyric goes. I can’t hear love. Because we’re at war. And revenge is so loud. And the drums are so proud.

I’m in a cage and I hear mercy say. I’m here now.

And I thought that was oh, beautiful.

And what she’s representing in this song. Is the pain. That she felt from. Other people. You know, from her enemies or the person who did wrong to her.

She said, if you could look inside my eyes, Would you pity me? Would you see the desperate nights and all the lies that brought me to my knees. I keep thinking. That I have to make you fall. The way I fell from your betrayal. To bring me peace of mind.

You know, she keeps thinking. That. She has to fight. And stand still in her anger. To not move forward. She can’t move forward. She’s too proud. She can’t hear love.

Because the drums of pride and war are too loud.

But as she feels trapped in this cage, as she feels.

Just. You know, engulfed in this anger.

She hears mercy come and say. I’m here now.

And I thought, Wow. What a profound. Sentence. Uh, representation of forgiveness and letting go.

And showing gratitude.

For discovering mercy.

For discovering a different path.

And I wanted to read you guys a lovely poem. That I’ve, uh,

I’ve held with me for a very long time. It’s by a William Blake. And it’s called. A poison tree.

And the poem goes. I was angry with my friend. I told my Raff, my Raff did I was angry with my foe. I told it not. My wrath to grow.

And I watered it and fears. Night and morning with my tears. And I Sunday with smiles. And with deceitful whiles.

And it grew both day and night. Till it bore and apple bright. And my fo beheld it shine. And he knew. That it was mine. And into my garden stole.

When the night had veiled, a pole.

In the morning. Glad I see.

My pho outstretched. Beneath the tree.

The meaning of that poem. Is representing anger. And the consequences of doing And how you failed to communicate. Your wrath.

Until it grows into a poisonous hatred.

But not just poisonous. For the other person poisonous for yourself.

You can be poisoned by your hatred thoughts. I’m unable to see the truth. Unable to move forward. Unable to find balance or love. Or forgiveness.

Unable to see yourself.

So going back to this healer.

I sat there with him.

I sat there closing my eyes. Giving gratitude to the universe.

The stones. Around my neck.

To God above me.

To the life that I have.

To the family. I hold.

To the man that I am. To the man that I want to be.

I gave gratitude for the things that I love.

And then gave gratitude. For the pain that made me stronger.

I started to forgive.

I let the bad thoughts that I experienced.

And then I obsessed over, come and go out of my mind.

Just as quickly as

I sat there.

And I felt grace.

I felt mercy.

I felt merciful for myself.

As I forgave myself. For being trapped for so long. In this cage of anger.

I felt merciful.

From my enemies.

For being locked in a cage of their

And as I started to forgive. The bad thoughts. That were in my mind for the memories.

That haunted me.

I started thinking about them less and less.

The tightness in my chest. Started to waiver. The heaviness on my shoulders. Started to feel lighter.

Nice. I sat there.

And forgave.

The forgave. Harmful feelings that were in my

I felt. Lighter on my

I felt a looseness in my face.

I felt relaxed in my throat.

I felt an easiness. To my words.

And finally I felt peace. In my mind.

And so every time that those thoughts. Memories or feelings. Would come to

I embraced them. I allowed them in.

And then I allowed them to leave.

And they wave over me.

Like a subtle wave in the sea and the ocean.

They came and went.

And I found peace.

I found a balance.

I found. Myself.

Once more.

And as I opened my eyes. The healer reminded me.

This is not a one and done thing.

This is a putting your foot in front of the other every day. And moving towards the path that the universe has set out for you.

Those thoughts, those feelings, those memories. There will, they will be roadblocks. In your way.

But if you do what you just did today, they will be always so easy to move out of your

And eventually you can brush them aside of just a slide of your hand or your finger.

They won’t bother you. They won’t stop you from moving. They won’t alter your path.

And I felt like that was so.

Healing.

Hence the healer.

As I sit with you guys today in venti you about my experiences. I feel relief. I feel gratitude. I feel mercy. In my heart.

‘ cause I know.

I know now, but I have it within me.

To keep moving forward.

Sometimes anger can be so small.

And turn into something. So overwhelming.

I felt like I was trapped.

And I feel so grateful that I was able to. Dispel that negativity away from myself and my home in my life.

And cleanse. Myself of that hatred. But anger.

The regret.

And it brought

A lot of clarity.

And made me feel more like myself.

And I feel like it brought me. More towards a balance in my life. I feel very balanced and peaceful.

And I know a lot of you were thinking, well, it’s only been a week. Yeah, well,

I’ve been working at it every day.

And eventually.

I think it will stop feeling like work.

I’ll just feel at peace.

No, I can’t lie to you. Of course, I will get angry again.

Um, and I guess that’s how I choose to deal with that anger that would really define. What happens moving forward?

I just want to be. Humble guy that.

Finds love and. Makes the best out of his life.

I want to feel happy. With what life is. And accepting. Of the things that.

Maybe I wish were different.

I know that I can’t change But I can change what happens moving forward.

I’m letting the universe. Handle. What’s next for me.

And I’m accepting of every outcome.

That may be put

I’m ready to face it. Head

But I’ll tell you. I could not do it alone. I needed that healer. I needed my friend.

And I’m going to need you

We’re a community. Event pack. The meaning of it is venting to a community of people that have your back a pack. That’s the mantra that I set up for this power podcast.

And it means a lot to me. Because for a long time.

Not only did I not feel like I had a community? I felt like I had I felt Afraid. Engulfed in my fears and my anger is, and no one to talk to about And of course, I recommend that everyone get a therapist.

I, um, I didn’t have that.

But I’m so grateful that I have all of you.

And I encourage any of you out there who are wanting to better themselves and become a better person.

To go out. And use that energy and find what’s important to you.

I encourage all of you out there who may be single fathers who are put in a position where you feel alone. To join my Facebook group that I started for you guys. The single father group on Facebook.

I encourage all of you who feel like, you know, a friend. Who needs to hear this? To give them the words of affirmation that they need and to share this podcast with them. Because this podcast is. More than just parenting it’s. It’s about relationships. It’s about love. It’s about mental health. It’s about.

Finding myself as a person. I’m a young

A single father. And I’m just trying to figure it out.

But we can’t do it alone. We need each other. I need my pack. I need you guys. And I’m here for you.

Thank you for being a part of my pack.

So guys if you’re in a cage,

Listen. From mercy.

So, um, once again, guys, thank you for being a supporter of the podcast. Be sure to please review like subscribe and share this podcast. It really Um, I recently had a really cool update. I, my podcast is on top 10 single father or parent or dad podcasts. Um, And, uh, I’m I got placed on this article and I’m really happy about it. It will be in the show notes of this podcast.

Um, Aye. I started a mailbag, which you guys can email me at. Hello of impact.org. Email me any questions that you guys have, and I will answer them on the, on the podcast, which I will do in just here in a minute. Also, um, if you guys want to vent with me, email me at. Hello. Van pack.org and the subject line.

Right venting. And, uh, if it’s appropriate, we will vent with each other on the show. And we can talk about, again, relationships, parenting, mental We’ll just have a nice inventing session together. So if you guys want to be featured on the podcast, Um, make sure you do those things and stay connected.

And please visit van pack.org. For the, keep up to date with news and updates and show notes. Um, yeah, it’d be like, and subscribe to us on Facebook, Instagram. Um, again, check out the single father shop. We have some really cool March there for you guys. And if there’s any topics that you guys want me to discuss on later podcasts, let me know. I’ll be very open and receptive to just hearing from you guys, because again, I can’t do it alone. I need my pack.

So, thank you very much guys. And please, please, please. Um, share this podcast with your friends and, um, you know, make it something where if people need to hear it. Share with Um, so I’m going to start the segment of mailbag and answer some questions from you, my pack and see what you guys want to

All right. So this one is from anonymous.

Is there any progress on you and your child’s mother’s relationship? Um, Unfortunately, there is no progress. Um,

You know, hypothetically.

I know that she’s heard the podcast and, um,

Uh, you know, all I can say is I’m hopeful about the future. My daughter.

Deserves the best from her parents. And I’m committed on doing everything I can. I’m making that. Uh, reality.

Uh, the next one is from anonymous. What are you doing to find love these days while I’m on a few dating apps? Um, I think I’m well, I actually am just, I’m just on Bumble and Tinder. Um, You know, it’s hard because I don’t really go out that much. So I don’t get to. Um, socialize. Um, As much as I’d like to. And I feel like.

I feel like dating apps are a weird way to communicate with people.

I speak about this all the time, but I don’t really have time to swipe. All day. You know what I mean? So, um,

You know, that’s one of the things I’m kind of just letting the universe find for me. Um, Putting one step in front of the other, but I’m hoping the path to love will be. Presented to me and I will. Not walk, but I’ll run that way. So.

Uh, the next one is from anonymous.

Your stories have really helped me and me being a single father. I’ve had some troubles of my own with co-parenting and I’m really happy that I’m not alone. And there’s someone out there who can help me and guide me. And when, when I’m talking about. Um,

Well, thank you. I appreciate Um,

I, you It’s it’s hard for me to be vulnerable on my podcast and give you guys a deep insight, um, into my life. But that’s kind of the point. Is to kind of give you guys an insight of what would be kind of my journal. You know, and share that with you guys. So, uh, if it helped you, then that’s all I can really ask

Um, Next one’s from anonymous. I looked at your website and I saw that coming soon, there was an app in development. Can you give us an update about that? Uh, well, the app. Is kind of where this podcast originally started from. I had this idea for a mental health app. And if you guys want more details on that, please visit impact.org and it will be

Uh, the resource tab, um, and coming soon. Um, but apps cost a lot of And if you guys want to support it in any way, I have a little promo video there on kind of my concept of what it would be, but it’s basically a, a. Um, A mental health app for you guys. And, um, I can’t give too much details away because.

I’ve seen a various amount of apps that have come in to fruition that are kind of similar. And I want to be unique and different. Um, but I promise you it’s a very. Well, unique and different idea. For you guys that has to deal with mental health specifically, not just single fathers, but mental health.

Um, so yeah. I don’t know if I really answered your question, but I hope somehow I did. All right next. Is from anonymous. Would you ever consider a cohost. Uh, I tried briefly and the thing is. I manage so much of my podcast right now. Like I pretty much do. I handle every single aspect of the podcast where I feel.

Yeah, I would love a cohost. But I’m just not in the place to do. So right now. And I’d have to really think about what that would look like. Because it’s my show. You know, it’s the single father podcast. Not the single fathers. Um, There’s a great podcast that does that. I think it’s called the single dads podcast.

So. You know, I think to stay unique. Indifferent. Um, It’s going to just have to remain me as a captain of the ship.

So, um, You know, I would love to. Continue to have guests on the show. But as far as, you know, a cohost, I don’t think it would really work out. But there will be guests on the show. A few friends of mine that are, are coming on and we’ll talk about mental health and et cetera, et cetera. Um, I’ve mostly been really just focused on, um, you know, branding and.

Um, creating solo episodes. So when the time comes, um, you’ll see a lot more guests on here. But as far as co-hosting probably not. All right. Uh, another one from anonymous. Would you ever do a video stream? Uh, yes, I plan on it, but. That’s also just not in the cards as of right now. I’m slowly but surely getting ready for that. And it will happen, but it will come at a later time.

Um, My house.

It’s just, it’s not set up. To do that right now, but I will do video podcasts. Uh, just. Later.

Like phase two. You know what I mean? So, uh, they will come. I’m not sure when I don’t have any TA, but yes, I do plan on doing them. Just not right now. Alright, uh, I’ll do one more.

Excuse me anonymous. Any horrible dating stories. Um,

Let’s see, I don’t know if I really have a horrible dating stories. Um, I, to be honest with you, I won’t even really go on a date unless I know like I’m going to have a good time. Um,

Unless I’m vibing. But, uh, I don’t I am top of my head. I can’t really think of like a juicy, horrible dating story. I don’t know, actually I do remember, um, I have one, I was in Mexico one time.

And my friend’s going to laugh and tell me to cut it out, but I won’t, but I was in Mexico. And I meet this girl there and, uh, we hit it off, blah, blah, blah. Um, the, we. Connect. And, um, and that was great. I come back to the us after spring break. And I’m in the hot tub, right. And my apartment complex.

And I haven’t talked to that girl. In a while she didn’t, she hasn’t responded to me and I’m like, Whatever it is, what it is. Right.

So I’m in the hot tub. It’s really late. And outcomes. My friend that I went to Mexico with. Right. And then trolling behind Is the same girl that I was speaking to.

They both get in the hot It’s silent. It’s awkward.

And, uh, he looks right at me and says, Well, and just kind of shakes, shrugs and shakes. And I laugh and I can get out. And I say, have a good night guys. Uh, I wasn’t necessarily mad, but, uh, yeah. You know, uh, yeah, that was. Probably the most uncomfortable. That’s not really dating story, but, um, that’s, that’s a pretty crazy one that I hold in my head.

A lot of the time.

Well, that’s pretty much it guys. Thank you for venting I appreciate the support and the love that you guys show me. Um, I read a lot of the personal messages that you guys. Email me. And although I pick and choose a few to read on the show, I want to let you know that I read all of them and thank you very much. It means the world to me.

Um,

Yeah. Like subscribe, share. And, uh, I’ll see you next week. Bye bye

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Episode 33: Taking Responsibility For Your Happiness

Available Everywhere You Enjoy Podcasts

Summary:

Don’t Forget to like, subscribe, share, & leave a review. Follow us on Facebook & Instagram

In this episode:

• I talk about my struggle in adapting to changing times
• My conflicting thoughts on being single
• How depression snuck in without realizing it was there
• What triggered me the past few weeks

Let me know what you think about this episode on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thesinglefatherpodcast/

Sponsors and Attributions:
-Music sourced from TuneTank.com.
-Produced/Edited with https://www.descript.com/
-Sponsored By: https://www.thekeys.ai/

The Single Father Podcast is brought to you by VentPack. Visit VentPack.org for show notes and more information on the organization’s mission to combat challenges of single fatherhood with resources, digital products and mental health support.

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Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thesinglefatherpodcast/support

Transcription:

Welcome to the single father podcast. I’m your host, Kendall Donaker. This podcast is dedicated for anyone out there who’s dealing with mental health and fatherhood, you’ll hear about my struggles, my defeats my victories, my highs, my lows, my triumphs, my tribulations and everything in between. I like to call this a collection of journal entries into my struggle and adapting to single fatherhood. Without further ado, let’s take a look inside my journal, the single father podcast.

Well, hello, ladies and gentlemen. And otherwise, it is your host, Kendall Donaker. Thank you for joining me on today’s episode, I have to admit, today’s episode is going to be a little bit challenging for me, because I titled it taking responsibility for your own happiness. And it’s a little interesting for me, because lately, I haven’t been feeling too happy at all. And you know, I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is. Well, I will tell you, I don’t think I’ve been handling the fact that my child’s mother had a baby with someone else. I don’t think I’ve been handling it too well at all. In fact, and I know all of you right off the bat. And when you’re all like, hey, you know has nothing to do with you. It happens all the time I get it, blah, blah, blah, I get it. It’s just, I don’t know, I’m not handling it too well. And I think it brought me down a spiral of thinking that maybe I’m not handling a lot of things. Maybe I’m just not handling a lot of things that well. And maybe I need to rethink and examine a lot of things in my life. Most importantly, how I got here. You know, I I just think it’s maybe it’s time that I take responsibility for my own unhappiness. I have to and you know, I have to face the challenges of why I’m unhappy. And won’t I won’t bury the lead here. I’ll talk about the biggest one. The first real thing that’s bugging me, is my child had a baby. I’m sorry. Wow. The first thing that’s bugging me, is my child’s mother had a baby with someone else. That’s the real problem for me. I thought I didn’t care, you know. And if you were to ask me, if I care, I if you held me to a lie detector test, I think I’d pass and truly say I really don’t give a fuck. But subliminally I know it’s bothering me. And I can’t tell what it is about it. That’s bothering me, because I’m not in love with her anymore. You know, it’s weird guys. It is. I just been having these visions, these images in my head. And, you know, sometimes I’ll walk into a room. And I’ll just imagine me, her and our kids just playing around a room together and just, uh, smiling and looking at our family. It’s almost like this alternate parallel universe. And shit. Maybe it is. I don’t know if you guys believe in that sort of thing that sci fi parallel universe aspect. But it it just I’ve been, I’ve been seeing it so clearly in my head sometimes. And it’s just like a walk into a room and I’ll see another crib there. I’ll see a house of me raising a whole family and it’s not really there. And before you guys think it schizophrenia, and trust me, I know that it’s not really there. It’s just, you know, you know what I mean? You walk into a room and you just envision something and you just wake up and think

4:28
the hen house a nice day dream, wasn’t it?

4:32
And you know, I think it just made me start to think about all the negative things that’s been going on, you know, in relation to having her have that baby. And I think it just opened up an old wound that I kept closing for so long. You know, like, how did I get here? Why am I single? And truthfully, I I thought it Be me by now that had a baby. I thought it’d be mean that started a family. I thought it’d be me that would be looking at her as a lonely one, the lonely single mother. But no, no, no, no, no, it just feels like, I’m the one racing to keep up. I feel bad. It feels sucky. It feels like I’ve, like I’ve done something wrong, you know, it feels like I’m, I’m not doing something right. And then, after those visions stopped, I started getting an overwhelming sense of regret, and just regretting everything on how I came to this point in my life. Regretting all of the sittin the decisions that I made when we were together. And again, to clarify, it’s weird, because it’s not like, I wish that we were back together, not at all actually. It’s just I often think of what could have been had things been done differently. You know, what I mean? tense, everyone that’s ever lived, I’m sure. But, you know, in my head, I think, if I would have just done a few things differently. Maybe she would end up a different person. Or maybe I would, you know, you just think of that over and over and over, around around in my head. Like, maybe if I would have took that poster off my wall, little things like that. And you know, it’s hard to explain my behavior during that time. It’s almost like I had an early life crisis instead of a midlife crisis. Like I had, I felt like I had a little bit of a mental breakdown during that time. You know, I was just finishing up college, we found out we were having a baby, I had to move 12 hours on my own with this big U haul. And this, you know, this, all of my shit in my car, I had to start a new job out in Vegas. I’m living with my parents at the time until I get into my new home. And then suddenly, she wants to move in with me. And in I hate my job. It’s a restaurant. And you know, it’s it’s just, I feel like, a lot of things were happening at once. And I felt like my behavior at that time was due to kind of the stressors around me that were going on, and I just wasn’t prepared to handle it all at once. I had no outlet. You know, I felt like it couldn’t. I just felt like I truly just wasn’t myself. And, you know, this restaurant that I was working at was probably by far the most stressful environment I’ve ever been at in my entire life. Any of you who’s worked at a very, very busy restaurant, who’s on your feet and dealing with rude angry customers, especially in the morning, you know exactly what I’m talking about. That awful feeling of dealing with the most awful people in the world. And I don’t know.

8:10
You know, I

8:14
want to see if you can back me up here. You know, when my kid was born, and I was working at the restaurant. I guess I could have demanded and I should have demanded that I took the day off after she was born. But any of you who’s worked at a restaurant, you know, it’s not that easy. You can’t just call off work, you can’t just cancel you can’t just say I’m sick and I’m not coming in a restaurant doesn’t work. A restaurant doesn’t function that way. You know, at least normal restaurants. You can’t just do that. So, you know, my child’s mother, my baby mama, she was a little bit uncomfortable about me leaving and I knew she was but you know, at the time she was cool about it later I found out that she wasn’t cool about it at all. But at the time, she was like do what you got to do and when my when my daughter was born all my focus in my head was keeping my job in feeding my family and making sure that everyone’s okay, you know, putting money on the table feet I got mouths to feed that’s what was in my head. So I wanted to man up and go to work. They won’t and I want to clarify it’s not like I wanted to do that. It’s almost like I felt like I had to anyone who’s worked at a restaurant you know that the busy nature of it the the the the function of it the I mean just you know I want to see if you guys can back me up here really? Email me at hello event back to Oregon tell me from wrong. You know that it’s not that easy to just cancel and as awful and rude as it may have been and on my on maybe a bitch move on my end or not? canceling it, I just I felt like I couldn’t. So I went to work. And she forever was so upset and really butthurt about that she was in and I didn’t know until much later, but she, I was just concerned about making the money for my family and I getting fired. You know what I mean?

10:22
But, um, yeah,

10:24
she wasn’t cool about it. I wish I handled it differently. And I wish I had done it. You know, but it is what it is. And, and, and, you know, that was that. And all of you know about me being uncomfortable. If you listen to one of my some of my earlier episodes, you know, about the struggles of me being uncomfortable about the whole pregnancy than nine months in general about me not knowing if it was mine or not, and blah, blah, blah. There’s a lot of controversies. Well, as you know, I say controversy is this, I was on TMZ. But no, there’s a whole bunch of drama on, you know, little affairs here and there. And it. I wasn’t comfortable. It just, there’s so much going on around that time that. Yeah, I did feel like maybe I wasn’t the best boyfriend. No, I wasn’t the best boyfriend during that time. But I had a lot going on. And I know, that’s no excuse for bad behavior. But if you if you would have known and saw what was inside my head and looked at it from outside looking in you like I feel like you could have seen why I was a little bit stressed or wasn’t myself during that time. Yeah, it was really hard. And even after that, I, you know, I wish I did things differently and make things better, but I fully admit that I fully admit that I was trying to keep my options open because I was afraid of everything that was going on, I was afraid that you know, you know, if I really broke down and committed in in did this and that, that I would end up losing everything and losing myself and in and I was afraid I was afraid of, of commitment. I was afraid of the love that was in front of me. And I made some terrible decisions during that time that I just regret. And ironically, those decisions ended up me losing my family anyway, at least my child’s mother and and although I wholeheartedly believe that she did some things as well that led to this system that I’m not so above and not less of a man where I can admit that I was wrong, and the things are definitely my fault. You know, I and I guess that’s why I’m having these visions because you often wonder what could have What could you have done differently? What would life have been like now? Would she still be the same person that I don’t recognize the same person that you know between you and I can’t stand sometimes are wish to be someone which would be that caring, loving person that I remember that the person with a beautiful soul on the I remember had this angelic voice that made me feel so soul so comfortable. I felt like she was the perfect match for me at one point, you know, I felt like she made me feel safe and important and valued in and saying all these things you wonder why I fucked it all up. But I don’t know she I really did love her at one point. I’ll tell you that. And it’s hard for me not to say that I still don’t love her. I see her all the time when I look at my daughter’s eyes. Which is ironic because I haven’t seen the woman in person in about 10 months. I only see her boyfriend. But I see her all the time when I look at my daughter and she helps me make my daughter so if I love my child, how can I how can I not still love her? You know what I mean? And I don’t know You know, I? The relationship part of it, you know like you’re like I’m over that. But I guess part of me is just this is punishing myself for the things that I didn’t do and the regrets that I have with me and I often wonder if that’s gonna haunt me on the way to heaven. Sometimes it’s just am I going to be buried down by all the weight of the regret and some of the shame that I have from my life so far, and you can think, Hey, dude, you’re only in your 20s. But man, it’s, it’s been. It’s been a tough go of it. You know, and I haven’t really had anyone to lean on besides Well, you guys,

this is one hell of a therapy session, right? And you guys would be heavily compensated if it wasn’t just a

15:31
podcast.

15:34
And I don’t know how to make things right in my heart where I feel like, I feel whole and complete and completely. What’s the word healed of my anguishes and my some of my pain, but, and maybe I should speak to someone professionally. But I just know that I’m not handling that well. And I know that it bothers me a lot in I just feel like, I guess that I fucked up a bit, you know? Are you like, dude, you’ve been single for so long, and you had the opportunity to have this beautiful family and, and that’s the other thing, you know, the other thing that’s making me sad is just being single. Which is ironic, again, you know, hence the name of my podcast, but I mean, listen, it’s, it’s a tough game out here in Vegas. And Vegas is definitely not the place to, you know, go out and date and find the love of your life, you know, it’s Vegas is not a great place to meet people, it’s a great place to hook up and a party, but to meet the love of your life, your partner, your, your forever person, I don’t know, that’s a little tough. You know, I’m trying to work on myself and to read these books on how to find a better match and to, you know, read these articles and the girl that I am looking for, and the girls I should stay away from, which happens to be the ones that I match with the most but you know, I’m I’m definitely looking to find a woman that’s valuable and makes me feel valuable that we mutually find each other important and in funny and career oriented, and, and a beautiful match. But, you know, I at this point, it feels like that’s asking too much in Vegas is just nodded when it comes to that sort of shit. And you know,

17:34
you know, in, in

17:37
everyone who has listened to the podcast, and previous episodes, you know, that for often a long period of time, it felt like the only thing that I had to bring to the table was sex and laughter. I didn’t really feel like I had too much else. And I think that’s why I focus in a, I work so hard at my job, is I want to bring things to the table, whether it’s money, my career, the things that I have our own, you know, I want to, I want to be important to somebody, you know, I want to I want to be a valuable asset to somebody, he gives it, you know, it just feels hard at times. I know, some people look at me differently when I have a kid. And, you know, and I’m not apologizing for it at all I am. You know, I’m more so think of my daughter as like my partner in crime, like a literal, I mean, literally, she’s an extension of myself. So it’s like, you’re getting the best of both worlds. You’re getting, you know, me, and then you’re getting my mini me, she’s, she’s my, she’s my sidekick. You know, she’s, she’s everything to me, she’s so important. And I and, you know, I’m, I’m, I’m grateful to the ones who can look at that, and accept me for me and except that I have my, my partner in crime attached to me. And I’m also grateful to the ones who do not, except that, because it kind of helps me weed out the ones that aren’t a good match. It’s funny, because there’s a side note here, I keep matching with this girl every once in a while, who, I guess had a bad experience with me. We matched on a dating app a long time ago. And we spoke for about a day. And then the next day, I told her that I had a kid and she’s like, Oh my god, I can’t believe you would hide a kid from me. And I’m like, Look, I’m not hiding it. It’s it’s not on my dating profile. But you know, the first day we were talking it just didn’t come up and we were talking a little master. And I yeah, I just wanted to tell you today and she was weird. She got weird about it. She’s like, Hey, um, I’m not looking to be a stepmom. I’m not looking to be anyone’s mother and things like that, which I totally look fair, fair as fuck right. But I think at the time To be honest with you, it offended me. And I think I said something along the terms of like, hey, that’s totally fine. It just, it just helps me weed out the ones that aren’t the right fit for me. And I think it said something along the terms of, you know, I try to weed out the bad seeds with assumption like that. I don’t know what I said exactly. I remember it was a bit passive. And she had a really, that she then she got offended about it and blah, blah, blah. But it’s funny, because every couple of months, I keep rematching with her. And I have very terrible, awful memory. And, by the way, if any of you have this problem, please email me at hello of impact to Oregon. Tell me about it. And because I want to know, but I have a thing where I, I almost just forget people, if they’re if you’re out of my life for maybe like a month or two, and I will forget completely who you are. Like if we even had a conversation. So I keep rematching with her completely forgetting who she is. Every time she says you don’t remember me or we we’ve matched before you know that and she brings up the story and not forgetting and I remind myself and we match and blah. I don’t know why she keeps matching with me. Like I you could say the same about me. But I literally forget who she is. Every single time I don’t even remember her face now. The only reason I even remembered it now is because I was it because it was on topic. But whether her face her name, I’ve complete no idea who she is. Anyway, that’s just a little side note, I digress. But and if any of you have that problem, please let me know. But yeah, we’re so we unmatchable Bob, but you know anybody but you really helps me just to kind of weed out the ones that aren’t a fit for me. So I appreciate the ones who told me that entropy told, listen, I will fully admit now that as hypocritical as it may sound, I get it. Because I don’t even know if I could date someone with a kid. That’s, that’s I think it just I think it’s out of my comfort level, it’s a little bit of an extra extra step that I don’t think I’m willing to take. And again, as hypocritical as it is, like, it’s just all about what you’re comfortable with. I’m comfortable with my daughter, and I’m comfortable creating a new life and bringing new life into this earth. But when it comes to taking care of someone else’s life, some people can do it. And I hope that the the love of my life can then there’s some people who I don’t think can and who aren’t comfortable with that. And that’s fair, and I don’t think she’s shame someone for that. And I think I’m some of those.

I think I’m one of those people I I don’t know. But But yeah, I work hard. Because I want to bring stuff to the table, you know, I want to bring the extra goodness Yeah, he has a kid but he’s rich, he has a big blah, blah, blah. And he and he know he has some you know, he has he brings stuff to the table. You know what I mean? And I want to be valuable, you know, I want to have a lot to offer a lot to give,

23:11
you know, you know

23:15
some men look for what they can take but a true man look for what he can give us from The Lion King, by the way, but But yeah, that’s why I work so hard and and why buy so many things from my daughter’s because I want to feel valued. You know, I want her to feel loved. I want her to feel like she has everything that I can give her. I you know, and yeah, I just it’s hard because another thing that kind of really makes me unhappy is I feel like I have this persona. But I’m not a persona because it is me but it’s more of a sheltered version of me is just this, you know, kendal’s, the the happy, the funny guy, he’s the guy who makes us all laugh and kind of jokes about everything, you know, but some things actually don’t find funny in regard to my life, and in although I may laugh about it, sometimes it really does bother me. And it’s hard because of the person that I created for other people to see. The funny guy, it’s hard for me to have a serious conversation with people. You know what I mean? If you’re always the funny guy and you suddenly bring up a serious drop bomb, it’s hard to kind of have that feel natural or comfortable. Does it make sense when it comes into a natural flowing conversation? So, you know, I may laugh it off about me being single, but yeah, it hurts me and I’m like, Man, I I’m not it’s funny. I just had that conversation with my friend about this. I’m like, I’m, I’m almost 28 years old. And by almost I mean, I’m six months away, but you know, in my head, I’m a futurist I’ve always taken and I’m almost 20 years He’s old, I’m almost 30, you know, hey, I need to find the love. You know, I don’t want to match with 30 year olds, I want to match with 25 to, you know, to 27 year olds, of which of my age range, you know, I’m, I’m, you know, I’m just I guess I’m worried. And I know that and does that make sense? You know, I like I don’t always want to be the funny guy, I want to have a conversation with my friends, and not feeling like it’s uncomfortable. When I say guys, I’m actually really worried about me being single. And I’m worried about a lot of things. And I kind of want your advice. You know, I mean, I want that to flow naturally. But I don’t know how to kind of break the persona of me being funny. But then that kind of goes back to my own. Me being comfortable with myself and me not feeling like I have anything to offer besides being funny. You know, what do I have to offer my friends? If it’s not laughter? You know what I mean? Like, and it kind of goes to my own kind of self worth, I guess, you know what I mean? I, you know, and I remember back in the day, when I thought, wow, I just had sex. And I’m worried because I haven’t had sex and a few months that I’m never gonna have sex again. And then, you know, a few belt buckles, lower belt buckles later, and you say, well, now I’m worried that I’ll never find a girlfriend, and then you have a girlfriend? Well, I’m worried that I’ll never find a family. And then you have a baby mama, mom, right? I never have a kid and you have a kid. And, and I guess you just kind of go around around you go, I’m worried that I’ll never have I’m worried that I’ll never have I’m worried that it’ll never have. And you kind of play that over and over and you’re getting in your mind. And it doesn’t help manifest the things that you want. It does hold you back from the gratitude that you have when you actually do experience those things. Does that make sense? Like you can worry yourself into feeling like you don’t have enough. You know, I and I feel like I’ve done that to myself. I’ve worried myself so much that when I actually get what I want, it almost feels like it’s it’s nothing like it was given to me like it was a I don’t know the right word for it, but it just feels like I’m not worthy of it.

27:30
You know what I mean? Like,

27:32
I’m worried that I’ll lose it. Okay, yeah, hey, I got this. Now what I’m worried, you know what I mean, that’s kind of how it was with my baby mama. Yeah, I got a nice family. Now I’m worried I’ll lose it. So I gotta keep my options open. You know what I mean. And it just often leads to your downfall, if you think like that. And I’ve been desperately that I’ve been desperately trying to shift my mindset these last few years. And to change the way that I think about things and to be actually grateful and experience gratitude. When I get something that I’ve manifested for so long, or that I thought about for so long, is that feeling like I’m not worthy of it, or I’m instantly going to lose it to not feel so worried about the future? You know, what I mean? And you know, I don’t know, I want to, I want to ask, what’s next? Or someone that can actually help me give an answer? You know, I mean, I, when I’m thinking about what’s next, I want someone to be there and help me find an answer to these things. That’s collectively hours together. You know what I mean? I want my partner I want my person I want someone to connect with and grow with and to, to, to came my soul when I’m worried, you know, I mean, I don’t have that. And I feel like that’s what’s been bothering me about, you know, my child’s mother having this baby is I feel like she has that, you know, and I’m jealous. I’m angry by it. And, you know, she’s been asking me if I want to move to Colorado for a long time, she her and her boyfriend want to get out of Vegas and, and lucky. I’ve been against it, mostly because it’s easier said than done. I can’t just pick up and leave our career. It has to be you know what I mean? But I’ve been against it, because I’m like, I don’t this. I’m working on finding my love. Maybe, but maybe I do need to start fresh somewhere. I don’t know. I don’t know. And I think that’s the problem is I don’t know. I want to know, but I don’t know. And that’s always been my problem is just worried about what’s next. You know, I’ve never been able to just calm and take in what I have and enjoy. You know what I mean? I’ve never been able to just say Look at everything I have. And just be grateful for it. I’ve always just been afraid of losing it.

30:08
You know what I mean?

30:12
I want to experience that blissful relief, that sigh of breath that you take when you feel like I have enough, I have what I need. And I feel like I don’t have that as of right now. You know, I don’t have that mindset, I don’t have that person. I’m really striving for it, you know. And part of my problem with dating diddly The truth is, I don’t I don’t go, I don’t go out much. You know, I’m not meeting the people I shouldn’t here in Vegas. Because all of my friends are in relationships. If I want to go out, you know, I’ve tried going out single, just as a single guy going out to a bar, I’m trying to meet someone, it feels awkward, you know, you always feel more hyped up and confident when you’re, when you’re with someone with wit when you’re with your buddy, I had that in college, I don’t have that now, in the event, the main person that I had it with, and even he’s in a relationship, you know, and you, you know, you like Man, that was my wingman that was my buddy, I don’t have people that I can just go out with and wingman with and, and pick up girls with and you know, I don’t have that anymore. Everyone’s in a relationship. And, and although I could do that with some of my friends, now I could, you know, I could, but it’s always kind of difficult to, to kind of plan that together to have all of our schedules match up and, and to go out and blah, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda yadda. You know what I mean, it’s kind of difficult with everyone kind of being in relationship and scheduling and shit like that. So it’s rare that I have the opportunity to do that even with my buddies. So that’s the difficult part. The other part of it is I truly don’t even have the time to even be on Tinder and, and Bumble, and just sit there and swipe for a fucking hour a girls have it easy, it just new does have 1000s of men just swarming over you all the time. But me, it’s just kind of hard for me to just define the time just to be like, Okay, I’m not going to do anything, but just swipe here, because I get distracted all day. Here. I’ll swipe throughout the day. But listen, I don’t even want to be in bed and just swipe. You know, I mean, that’s my comfort zone, I you know, it’s just finding the time to do is just ridiculously hard. And so, you know, in a round and round we go, you know, I get matches, and it’s kind of like, you know, it’s not people that I’m interested in or it’s not it’s they say something off putting and I’m not interested and you know, and that also becomes my other issue is is like, on the times that I could meet up with someone, maybe I can’t do it because I have my kid and in although one week on one week off, helps me. It’s you know, it’s just all about timing. And listen, I hope that in time the perfect woman just falls into my lap. But you know, it feels like lately I’ve been a little impatient. I’m like, please, you know, God, like, I feel like it’s time I’m ready to settle down, I’m ready to be a committed man, I’m ready to fall in love. I’m really lonely out here. You know, I’m working on being a better man. I’m a girl, I’m working on growing, please allow me the opportunity to grow with someone.

33:39
You know what I mean?

33:41
It gives me that, you know, give me the opportunity to have someone in my life. And you know, and I was talking to a friend about this to a really big issue is my issue. But a concern is I was talking to my friend about how hard it is to imagine having someone in my life raising my daughter with me. I mean, because I’ve always been a single father. I think I’ve spoke about this before in my previous episodes. Her mother and I, her being my child’s mother. My child’s mother and I we we we broke up I think a month after my daughter was born. So I have always been a single father, I’ve done it all. I fed her bottles and made the formula change the diapers, the rocking chairs, the strollers, all of it. I’ve done it on my own. No co parenting of course, but I’ve done it on my own. You know, with my daughter now being four years old. It’s hard to imagine someone you know helping me race or just feel strange. You know what I mean? It almost feels like there’d be too many chefs in the kitchen. Right? You have her mother her boyfriend and you’d have me and someone else It almost just feels a little strange. All you know all of The these pieces they’re trying to raise are that little girl, it feels a little weird, you know? And if any of you have advice, or some books or podcasts I should listen to on that, you know, please let me know, because I’d love to explore more about that because it does feel like a strange concept that I’m not used to or not fully able to. I don’t want to say open myself up to yet, but it’s I think you guys couldn’t do it. I mean, it’s weird. It’s gonna be strange. And I’ll let you guys know how it works out, if ever does work out. But it’s it’s a hard pill to swallow when that day comes. And I don’t know how Leila is going to react either. You know, the day someone tells her Hey, no, no, Leila don’t do that. You know, what an awkward day that will be, you know? And it you know, and like I said it, of course, you guys are saying right now, well, why not meet other single parents? Well, as I mentioned before, again, hypocritical. I just can’t imagine raising someone else’s child. As hypocritical and as selfish as that is. I think that’s beyond my comfort zone. But I’m not rude about it, while other people are saying, you know, for the week or something like that. No, no, no. You shouldn’t shame anyone. And you should love everyone. And, and this and that. But no, I’m not. I’m not a I’m not saying Never say never. But I think that’s a little bit of an extra extra step that I don’t think I’m able to take. And, you know, sometimes it just feels like I’m meant to be single, you know, have been single for so long that I’ve a, I don’t know, it feels like it. No, it will never come my way. And of course, everyone says that until they A week later, they meet the partner in love with her life, but I don’t know. I mean, it just, it just feels like it’s it’s just difficult. I mean, I’ve made a whole podcast about what I don’t like about dating apps. I mean, these days, you know, you have to speak to someone for two weeks on texting, before you can actually go out and meet them in person in real life or coffee. I’m so against that. By the way, I’m so much against that. If you really want to know someone, you should get to know them in person. But, you know, topic for another rambling day. But I just feel I just been feeling so lonely. And part of it is just my family. And when it comes to my family, you know. I think that’s a really big part of what’s been making me depressed. You know, and the lack of better words, the complete disappointment of my family, and where we are now as a whole and a unit. Is it just a huge disappointment. And I spoke about it before in in length and other episodes, but, you know, my family is so broken. You know, I recently went to Disney with my dad, my younger sister, and myself and my daughter, of course, and there’s a few instances where I felt the tension from my dad, that I that I felt when I was a young kid in high school. You know what I mean? By the way, Disney was a trip. First of all, it’s probably

excessive heat waves all through California and Nevada, right? We get my dad’s car. We’re driving up 3040 minutes out of Vegas. It’s so hot. We’re in traffic. I don’t know where smoke starts coming. We well first of all, he loses a C we drive for another like five minutes. Smoke starts coming from his car. Boom, it breaks down. Well, fuck. So he pulls over, loses his engine and she like dabble bla bla bla bla. And meet him just have a massive panic for just a second. Are like Holy fuck. What do we do? We are fucking 40 minutes away out of Vegas. His radiator just blew. And first of all, you don’t even hear about a radiator breaking anymore. That’s something old Joe Biden says in one of his speeches. Hey, oh, rock when the radiator was, you know, I’m trying to you know, but you don’t even hear about the

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radiator. This was radiator fucking blew.

39:27
I have my tickets for Disney in the morning. You know, I’m freaking out. Like I think we got it’s hot as fuck. It’s about like 115 We got the kids in the car. And we just kind of slowly calmed down and we kind of figured a plan out. He called one of his friends up said hey can you come get us at this gas station. I’m going to try to drive them and try to drive my car put in neutral and kind of you know Coast my way to this gas station I can stop at under the shade. Luckily it worked. He puts he puts the card neutral coast to this get nearby gas station this friend comes and picks picks us up, you know, calls the tow truck company until it tells us tells him where his car is out, they pick it up, we drive back to Vegas. And we decided to take my car. And I was like, Okay, well let me get an oil change and I fucking in put coolant in my car real quick because I’ll be damned if it happens to me. So we drive out we drive out to Disney had a fantastic time and a magical time at Disney I really did. But you know, he was a little bit on edge about his car naturally about in and I understand that. But my dad is the type of person that and I’m sure you’ve guys had this near family, he’s the type of person that when he gets angry, everyone in the world can feel it. You know, I mean, he has a parents like that, or friends like that, that, you know, where if they’re angry, everyone can feel it. And I understood that. But I mean, like, it’s hard to it’s hard to tell someone to let it go when you’re in Disneyland. And in their very car could be 1000s dollars and you know, in the hole, but I get it. But I’m like looked at you know, your demeanor kind of almost traumatized me into feeling like I was back in high school, and feeling like you’re the boogey man again, you know, I mean, and I spoke about this before my dad and you know, it gets kind of took me back to some of the horrible things that he did, specifically to my mom and his actions when I was younger. And although I think he’s a reformed kind of better man. You know, there’s still tendencies in him and in tendencies in I hate that I have from him and in blase, blase blase, but you know, when I, when I felt his tension, it just made me extremely uncomfortable and kind of brought this back these traumatic memories for me, and it just made me it made me feel yucky. You know, I mean, we feel horrible. And, you know, and I don’t know. And when it comes to my mom, you know, she’s really disappointing as well, it’s really not worth talking about. I spoken length about her already. But you know, it just feels like the only person that I really have. That, I know would just do anything for me just just just die for me to give the clothes off the back for me, you know, I mean, give the last dollar to me is my Nana. And my Nana is like my mom, you know, and I think you guys have heard me speak about my Nana. I mean, she raised me after my parents got divorced. So she took me in, made me a better man and steal things into me that I felt were shitty at the time. But a couple years later, you realize that she was just so right. And I’m really sorry, to the way I acted to her. When I was a teenager, I was just so angry at the world that my parents going into foster care and a lot of other things in high school that I was just angry with, and hurt and traumatized by and I treated her so poorly when she took me in. And I was just just dumb, angry little kid, and I’m forever just ashamed of my actions. And it’s one thing I’m deeply ashamed of my greatest shame is when you grow older, you realize, and when you grow older and become a man, you just realize what a boy you were, you know what I mean? But she really cares about me she does it but you know, as she gets older, you realize that she’s really set in her ways. She’s very stubborn, an old fashioned black soul is very prideful, and it bothers the fuck out of me. But she’s very impressive. You know, she has all these PhDs and degrees, but I’m protective of my Nana. So I don’t want to speak too much into some of the negative aspects about her life. But you know, I often tell her, you know, hey, you need help you need these government programs to come and help you and things like that. And she has all these reasons for telling me no, and it makes me It upsets me and you know, I’m trying to help her and she’s stubborn about it. And

you know, when she gets really testy of certain things, if you if, if you can’t do something for her right in the moment where she needs it, it can almost be like the end of your relationship with her. She didn’t really take it personally. And you know, you’re just like, hey, Nana, there’s the world doesn’t work like this, you know, blah, blah, blah, you need to and you tried to lecture her in the lobby. She doesn’t just want to hear it. She’s just stubborn, stubborn, old black lady wishes and she’s my love. She’s my mother, you know, and

44:58
you know, and

45:00
In, she acts like she has conditional love sometimes, but she has unconditional love, if that makes sense. I know that she loves me unconditionally. It’s just she can act very conditional in some cases. And that really bothers me really does. And in sometimes you’re just like, God, you know. I just, I don’t know, I just don’t want to do this anymore. You just kind of want to just say fuck this. And you know, I’m done with the whole family. I don’t want to I don’t want to deal with deal with any of you. But you know, it’s hard to hold a grudge against 7172 year old woman and you feel like I’ll even have the time to hold the grudge. It’s harder to hold a grudge against my dad, a man’s almost 50 And you think about I don’t have the time to be angry with you. And, you know, it’s it’s difficult for me because you want to let go. And yet you. You. It’s not like I feel obligated to hold on but you feel a duty. That’s my family. You know, and that’s my family is horrible as I think my family is it’s my family. You know, and I don’t know. There’s nothing more of a stronger bond than family, right? At least that’s what you’re supposed to say. You know, my,

46:24
my Nana, you know, I I call her. I call

46:28
my man on my happiest moments, on my worst moments. She’s like, my best friend. You know, I tell her everything. And she always can guide me in the right direction, she can always steer me into a level of sanity to let me know when I’m wrong or right or to give me a different perspective on things, you know. And that, when it comes to what I just said, about holding a grudge against a 7172 year old woman, you think what happens when you’re gone? The thought of losing her and almost kind of like yeah, it just makes me lose words. I don’t want to ever lose her. Because you almost feel like, well, now what? You’re worried about the future. You know, I mean, like I said, I’m a father. And now what? You know, who do I have to lean on? Who do I have? You know? You just, it just goes back to just me feeling lonely? Like, I don’t have anyone. And one day, I will lose my nail. And um, I don’t even want to think about that day. But when that day comes, you just feel I don’t know. Then what do I have? You know what I mean? Who do I have? To keep me sane? Who do I have to give me a different perspective? Who do I have? To tell about my days to you know? Don’t know. I’m only then my baby mama had a baby. And she had a family and she’s happy and I’m not happy. And you think why aren’t you happy? I think is because I made myself unhappy. And I think because when we were together, I was a boy and God Almighty if I could go back and kick that boys as I would, and just set him straight. And it’s funny, because someone asked me recently, what would uh, what would a couple of years do? I said a couple of years. Anything could happen within a day, a couple of years. A couple of years can mean everything. It’s funny because I had my baby when I was 2223 I think and I’m 27 and that doesn’t seem like a big difference. But Oh god, I really is. I’m not a boy anymore. You know, I think more like a man. I regret the decisions I made when I was a boy. You know, and all of the things that you thought were unimportant are actually very important. Like credit, a Career Money, putting money away treating people with kindness, respect, treating people the way you want to be treated love all the things that I wish I valued more, you know, all the things that I that would have made me happy because the others sure as hell did not. The other things that I felt were important that all the women I messed around with, or I can count on one finger. How many I still talk to all the things that you thought were important at the time just a two A man you start to think, God, what a boy you were, you know. And as you start to grow up some men realize it just in time, and some men realize it too late. Some men can have it as a good roadmap for the future.

50:29
You know? It’s tough.

50:37
Just like those visions I’ve been having. When I walk into a room and see these little kids, it’s like a punishment, you know, you see your regret, and you visualize all the things that could have been. You see your mistakes, your pain. And you see the boy that you were the man that you had the opportunity to be. And now all I can hope is that I show my daughter what it is to be a man, and to show her what a man should act like. The kindness, love and respect she should get from a man. I regret a lot of things, you know. My biggest accomplishment though, was that little girl. But if I’m taking responsibility for my own happiness, I also have to find other things that do make me happy. Because as of right now, the only things that really make me happy is when I have my daughter, and I only have her every other week, you know. And I’ve been preaching to you guys to not let your past control your future. But the thing is, is when you look up into the sky, some of those stars have been been distinguished for 1000s of years. But their light is only just reaching us now. The past always has an effect on our present. And on our future. It just depends on what we do with that information moving forward. I don’t know who I’m going to be with moving forward, or how am I going to get there, how I’m going to meet this person. But I know that if I want to be happy with someone else, that I have to be happy with myself first. And also means making some changes, I just hope that I just hope to god, that part of those changes includes growing with someone on my end

I just really don’t want to be alone. I’ve been feeling down about it a lot. You know, I’m feeling down that I feel like at times I’ve had shitty parents and I have to put a shitty performance on about how happy and funny I am to other people when I’m really distressed or sad. I’m going feeling down that my baby mama has one up on me, you know. And if you guys have any advice that I don’t know, please email me at hello, I’ve impact org and I’d be happy to read your words and hear the support that you can share.

And maybe we can all figure it out together. So I’m going to take my happiness, my own hands and take responsibility for it. Yeah, I’m going to keep pushing forward. And I’m going to wake up with a routine. I’m going to drink some more tea, I’m going to go to the gym, I’m going to start doing meditation and yoga. I’m going to drink a boba. I’m gonna do everything I need to do to wake up and get back on track. This depressed feeling. It’s just not it. And part of it. I’ll tell you the truth. Part of it is these damn pills, you know, these antidepressants that I take. They almost just make you feel like you’re empty inside. And look, I’m not against antidepressants on principle. It’s just I just don’t like taking them just only taking extra pills in general. I don’t like at times the way they make me feel. And again, I’m careful to say that because anyone who does need it should go out and get it. Sometimes I wonder how actually more depressed I would be without

54:53
them. You know what I mean?

54:56
But I hate the way I feel when I don’t take them for two days and forget, and I have an electric shock spiraling through my body, I hate the way that sometimes it just makes me feel numb. Like, I feel nothing. Like, I feel like it changed me, you know? And like I said, granted, I’m not as depressed as I would be without them, but I know. You just feel nada. I don’t like that I don’t have a sex drive. I don’t have the desire to do most things. I just feel numb. And I guess, maybe that’s part of it. I just want to feel something. I just want to feel happy. Well, I digress. Thank you guys for letting me get that off my chest and allowing me to vent with you. I find know that was a very long eventing session. And I’m sure if you were a therapist, you’d be paid very well. But yeah, you’re not. I’m happy that you guys allowed me to share that with you. And I’ll tell you, I needed it. I want to tell you guys about the new segments that are on our show. One that I’m going to start just here in a minute is called mailbag. Again, mailbag is a session that I’m bringing up on the show where you can just mail in a question to me. So if you email me at hello at Ven, packet.org. And in the subject line, you type mailbag, typing your question, and if it’s appropriate, I’ll read it and answer it on the show. Another one is called venting sessions. If you want the opportunity to vent with me, if you want the opportunity to be a guest on the podcast and talk about anything in regards to relationships, or co parenting, or being a father, whatever the case may be, email, email me at hello at vent packed.org in the subject line type venting. And just type to me and what you want to vent about. And again, if it’s appropriate, and we have the time, we can schedule something where you can actually be a guest on the podcast with me. And we can have a little venting session together. And it’s fun. So I’m gonna go ahead and read some mailbag questions from you guys. The first one is from anonymous. What do you think the hardest part about being a co parent is? The hardest part about being a co parent is I say, having different parenting styles, I’m not talking shit or, or whatever the case may be in any way, shape, or form in any way, shape, or form. But I recently thought that my daughter was a little stressed out about, like, different changes in her life. And I, me and her mother, a while back had a big fight and in our communication kind of fell to an all time low. During that time, I felt like we weren’t really communicating on how we are parenting her. And I kind of offered to bring that back up again. And I said, Hey, I’m willing to share my parenting style with you. And she wanted her reply back really was just she wanted to keep a parenting style separate, which, in my opinion, is the wrong way to go about things. But you know, I can’t control other people. So that is probably the hardest part about being a co parent is oftentimes you’re not on the same page. And, you know, I don’t want any confusion or just any out of pocket pneus when it comes to my daughter, I want her to feel comfortable, safe and as normal as possible. Even though it’s not a normal situation. I want her to feel like it’s, it’s not hard, at least. And so it’s a challenge for me. Accepting that. So yeah. What, when you? Well, this question comes up a lot from anonymous. When you actually are in a relationship, are you gonna change the name of your podcast? Probably not. It’s probably not. The single father podcast is, I think goes beyond just me being single. I think it’s just sharing my experiences of being a parent and fatherhood, mental health and relationships. And you know, time will tell what happens in the future, but probably not.

59:41
Yeah. Next question.

59:46
What do you think the goal of co parenting is? Only for the goal of co parenting. Yes, that’s a good question.

59:58
I mean, it’s simple but

1:00:01
Maybe there’s a deeper answer there. I mean, on face value, the goal is kind of like what I just said, to make sure everything flows as natural and as smooth as possible, making it a very comfortable and seamless experience for your child. And making it not about your disagreements but agreeing. together collectively, when it comes to the well being and benefit of your child, the golden the goal of co parenting is just to if you can’t parent together in the same house, to make sure you guys have the same type of deal in outside of your guys, it doesn’t make sense. Now, is there a deeper answer there? Probably. But I’ll just give you the, I guess the simple one. Okay, the next one from anonymous. How do you think your mental health has affected your parenting? I tried not to let it affect my parenting. Because although I can complain about being being alone and sad, I have always, you know, I have this philosophy at work, I was telling one of my colleagues this at work, we I have this guy that I work with. And I don’t know if I can say a lot, but I have this guy that I work with who I feel takes his personality, which is great. But he takes person personal things from his personality and integrates it with his is his work over the phone in sales. Now. I think he shouldn’t do that. And it’s kind of hard to speak in detail, because I want to keep it private. But you know, he has a very bro personality, and you can’t have that brokenness or you can’t have irritate me over the phone when you’re trying to sell things. Right. And I always tell him look, every day I wake up in the morning, and I’m pretty much grumpy. And I’m a goofy guy. Right? So both of those things are simultaneously happening in the morning for me. I mean, they’re goofy, or I’m either grumpy, but none of those things show up on the phone with my clients. You know, and all of the anger or all of any bad day I had prior. I leave that out the door when I come into work. And I work from home. So the moment I log in, and I’m talking to everyone and I’m making my calls and doing checking up on everybody and everything like that. You’ll never know that I had a bad day, you’ll never know that I’m grumpy. And you might hear some goofiness, but the clients will never hear it over the phone. And the same thing kind of goes with my daughter, any shit that I have any baggage that I’m carrying around, she’ll never experience any of it. It’s always just me being a dad and me being a dad comes first above everything. You know what I mean? I put all my shit aside, because my daughter needs me. And, you know, that’s what being a parent is about. Because and when you’re a parent, you don’t get the luxury of putting yourself first you put your child first. It’s an extension of you, they will live longer than you you have to secure the bag. You know what I mean? I’m securing my child and making sure that her growth not only well exceeds mine, but I mean, look, she’s the very best of me. You know, anything she needs? She comes first. So yeah, I’ll read one more anonymous. Have you ever been in love? Yeah, I have been in love. It’s truly hard to say whether I was in love from not with my child’s mother just because of the way things kind of transpired and negatively went down. But you know, I was in love. Yeah, that’s not before. And I’m a romantic as bummed downtime today. Not a knock on him. But I didn’t really get to learn on what it meant to be romantic or be a man from my, my father per se. So everything I learned I learned on romantic movies and 90s rom coms and shit like that. So

it’s in my heart and that’s kind of how I was raised to, to be and to act and some women may disagree based on how I how I acted in college, this angry guy who was a angry at the world and his parents but in truly in my heart and the heart of hearts of who I am, it’s I’m a, I’m a romantic and and I just scrolled past your question. So I forgot what it was. But I hope I answered it. So yeah, that will be. I’ll have these questions more organized next time. When we do mailbag. We’ll always do them at the end of the podcast, just so you can only hear the questions. Again, if you have a question for me that you want to write in, or just a comment or whatever, just write it in that vent pack, or hello@impact.org. And in the subject line, right, mailbag. And, and I’ll be sure to read your question on the show. And just be sure to write it in and whether you want to be anonymous or username. So that is that guys, thank you so much for allowing me to experiences with you guys. And they’ll tell you, everything about my, my journey so far, and

1:06:05
in the kind of what I’ve been going through,

1:06:07
like I said, I’m not seeing a therapist right now. So it really helps just kind of having a community that I can speak to who, where we can support each other. In speaking of community, I started a Facebook group, it’s called the single father group, please go check it out. And if you are said, single father, and you need some support and need to vent to a pack, who has your back, vent, pack, join, join, join the community join the group, it’s called the single father group on Facebook. I’ll be on there every once in a while just popping in topics and she’d like to add in the help that they can grow and and I’ll be able to help more people because that’s really what I want to do in the heart of hearts of of who I am. I want to I want to be able to help people, I want to be able to have my experiences be maybe a roadmap or

1:07:08
a

1:07:12
guide or a comforting voice to some people out there that know that you’re not alone. And and yeah, and that’s really what it’s about. And it’s funny, just reading one more anonymous question here. It’s, it says, Would you ever would you ever want another kid? Of course, I bet. Not until I’m married. What the next kid will I’ll be a traditionalist, you know? I will, the same mistake cannot be twice to our I want to be in something where I’m it’s more of a if not ring on the finger. It’s more of a of a bond, a blood bond with each other before I have another kid. But yeah, thank you so much. Be sure to like, subscribe and share this podcast, leave a review. It really does help and allows the podcast to grow and to be better content oriented, maybe have some guest spots in and I have a lot of plans for the podcast moving forward, I still have this mental health app that I’m planning on getting developed. And I want everyone to be involved with the pack and be able to vent with each other and yeah, just have I just wanted to be a really a community. You know what I mean? So thank you very much. And yeah, be sure to like our socials, it’s going to be the single father podcast on Facebook and Instagram. I think if you type in vent pack on YouTube, you can check out the single father podcast on on the playlist there and get to experience every episode on YouTube if you wish. As the podcast grows, I plan to have video podcasts coming up soon. My setup is not built for that as of right now. So that’ll be kind of, you know, phase two, I mean, of the podcast, so stay tuned. Stick with me guys. Things will only get better. And yeah, as we vent together and have each other’s back. Thank you for being a part of my pack. Bye

Introducing: The Single Father Group

New: The Single Father Group

The Single Father Organization is a support and resource network for single fathers with children of any age help with parenting and growing families. Ask, Share, Learn, Support, and Grow.

This group started from my podcast called, ‘The Single Father Podcast.’

I wanted to give other single fathers a community group where we can vent and support each other. (appropriately)

All you have to do to get access to this group is join our patreon and then search on facebook The Single Father group or click here to join the pack. 

Note: Email hello@ventpack.org when you joined the patreon so we are sure to accept your request to join the group.

• Patreon